Pre-Tirement

I am sitting at the airport in Warsaw waiting for a flight to Istanbul where we are giving a workshop. I remember about 5 years ago my dad saying to me '...so I suppose you will be retiring soon...' and, at the time, I thought what he said was completely bonkers. Today, while sitting here, waiting for my flight, I am wondering whether it is in fact, Time. But then I thought, I don't actually know what the word 'retirement' means. When I googled, Wiki- the source of all information- says that retirement is the age when I stop employment. It doesn't describe how I feel. But I am feeling quite jaded- maybe, even defeated- when I see so much of what goes on, the amount of facade, illusions and delusions- I feel my ambivalence (at best). On the one hand, the fighter in me wants to continue to stay and carry on and the other part just wants to get off the train once and for all. So perhaps I am in 'Pre-Tirement'- selecting to put off retirement in an emerging way. At this point in my life, I am questioning a lot of what I have done- whether any of it was worth anything and whether I have/ am short-changing myself by insisting on being a practitioner rather than something else. John said to me this morning 'I came across this article about how to make yourself famous...' my immediate reaction was 'I don't want to be famous'. But then, in our world today, particularly in the corporate world, not being famous or known for something is almost akin to death/ non-existence. So do I go against my natural instinct? Or, is my insistence on 'not' itself, a significant sign of some other resistance? Seems also that for me to matter, I have to be regarded as someone who matters---and that seems a little crazy!

Last night, I watched a Ted Talk on Infidelity. The speaker was excellent- fascinating- and- I cannot remember a single thing she said- except for the comment at the end- 'I might sound French---I am not.' Then I started to wonder about Ted Talk- it is about ideas but it is also about the person too and in the ideal situation, the two would marry up. But I wonder whether the person giving the talk is serving the talk, others in their field or him/ her own PR? If indeed they are giving voice to others who are similarly doing that work, how would that change things and how would we know? If we are part of their field of interest, should we be grateful? Seems there is no way of being involved in that process of selection in the first place.

The finally, I guess it's about our attention and maybe this is the crux of the matter. I was fortunate enough to have worked with some fantastic interpreters in Poland: Agnieszka, Karol, Anna- you know who you are...! Their work is to support whoever is speaking but in fact, they are the ones who give the speech. Their work reminds me of a time when I was in a concert and the singer-songwriter was what everybody went there for. Yet the person who stole the show for me was the woman who accompanied her- she was the one who enriched and added extra dimension to her vocals. The way she gave herself to every song- much like the work of Agnieszka, Karol and Anna- heightened my awareness of all those who live and work in support of others. I would like the world to see more and right now, I feel I am flowing against the current.

Easter Weekend

We are coming up to Easter Sunday- one of the biggest event in the Christian calender. I confess to having a mixed religious bag- perhaps one I would call 'integrative' where I have a mishmash of Christian, Buddhism and Taosim. I always admire people who are 'true believers'- I think it takes a lot these days to embrace in totality, a set of beliefs without questioning/ doubt.

This weekend, for the third time in my life, I have been asked to be a Godparent. My first Godchild was/is Philippa- a lovely daughter of a friend of mine- Russell and Kaye. My second Godchild was/ is Max, an energetic and strong son of a friend- Nikki and her husband, Adam. My third Godchildern this time are Ruppie and Benji- my nephews- lovely sons of Rosie, my sister-in-law. For a change, Antony will be Godfather so I feel that our responsibility is shared. I always have some concerns about this type of thing because I am not a great one for rituals so, in these situations, I am largely ignorant of what these rituals call for and for me to be able to honestly sign-up for whatever the deal is. Thanks to Google (!) I was able to look up THE definition from Church of England. Apparently, the job of Godparents is to provide guidance for Godchildren on issues concerning Love, Hope and Faith. Phew! Big sigh of relief---that, I feel I am able to do. This is not because I have answers but because I have thought about these three things- a lot. For me, these three things are inter-dependent and holographic.I can't understand why Love is upheld as 'the greatest of the three' when Love itself requires and has embedded in it, Hope and Faith. So, in this sense, Love cannot exist without Hope and Faith.

Another insight, when contemplating about Love, Hope and Faith came about in a car with Ginger, Dean of a seminary who is a Baptist. In our conversation, it occurred to me that there is something missing- Humility. To me, Humility is a natural feeling in all things spiritual. It is present in all spiritual practices. The root of the word 'Humility' is from 'Humus', soil- which we return and from which new life springs forth. So it's curious isn't it why Humility is not included in the trinity. I would love it if someone could talk to me about this! Another insight that 'popped out' quite unconsciously was during our week-long consulting assignment in a seminary, I was asked a question by Pastor Gary who asked me whether I was a Christian to which I gave a long-winded answer about my Grandfather setting up a Christian school in the New Territories in Hong Kong, my parents meeting through church, going to Church of England schools and later, through my mother's return to Buddhism, embraced Buddhism also---blah, blah, blah- then, out of the blue- I found myself saying 'what I miss is Fellowship you have in the Church'. Whoa- where did that come from? Perhaps that was Divine Intervention? What I need/ want, is to be part of a group where I can explore the question of Humility- with others who are also discovering their unfolding spiritual paths. And maybe the task of Godparents is to provide such 'Fellowship' or 'Guardianship' when it is needed/ wanted. And I wonder where/ who I can go to explore my own unfolding relationship or understanding of 'God'- in my integrative world....