Getting on the path

I have been listening to Carolyn Myss's talk on Spiritual Direction and she is brilliant and so challenging. But unlike any other person, she is radically to the point and I find her 'way' very clarifying- like an ice cold shower- shocking, provocative, cleansing. So many truths in what she spoke about and it's a tough process to begin this journey- as I am discovering. Which makes my admiration and respect for people who live and work close to their conscience that much more. I am beginning to understand so much better what it really means to 'belief'.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEnHo1sTE0o&t=4581s

Death and rebirth

Some things have to be experienced for us to know what it really feels like and what it means. Some years back, a Gestalt guy said that 'we are all mirrors for each other'. I sort of understood it on an intellectual level but at the same time, I also found it a bit mysterious. Years later, through the personal development work I have been doing with others and on myself, I now really get the power of my projections onto people and things---I see through the lense of a world that is my construct, use language to describe what is going on 'out there' but my ability to 'see' is determined by my construct and my ability to challenge and let go of restricted ways of how things 'are'. In so far as I love or hate aspects of the other, they are reflections of the love or hate their behaviour or presence is bringing up in me---therefore I now really get what the Gestalt guy meant.

The same can be said for 'letting your old self die'. This and similar phrases are often used in personal development/ spiritual development circles. Again, not difficult to understand from a cognitive perspective yet I was mystified as to what the process actually meant. Last Friday, I felt strongly in myself that my old self was dying. I did not know where the message came from or what my 'knowing' was about- only that I had this feeling. That evening, I had really bad flu and was subsequently 'taken out' by 10 days. This period included a bout of delirium, streaming everything, coughing, full of mucus, drinking tons of water and total loss of appetite. It required a total letting go- I had no mindspace for anything but to simply focus on self-care and allowing nature to take her course. It became clear to me that all this was in aid of a re-emergence in March. In this period, I also had clarity and connected with the strength to put to an end relationships and situations that do not serve me anymore- an important aspect is putting an end to my tendency to put myself in relationships and situations where I override my instinct.

I am now in a different phase of this illness---fever, streaming nose and coughs have subsided. My ear infection is still there and although deep inside, I already feel a growing sense of wellness but there is a muffleness and foggy gap between me and the outside world. My take on this is to continue to focus inwards and to use this opportunity to hear myself. If I view this death and rebirth process as a U, right now, I feel I am at the bottom of the U starting a slow climb up. Like seeds germinating and unfolding in the soil moving towards the opening light.

Of creativity, art, painting and their importance- to me

I wrote this in 2010. I read it this morning. Still true for me.

Some say that to live is to create and that when we are fully engaged in the act of creativity we are closest to creator/ god. To me, creating is the act of giving birth to something unique; a cycle of outside<->inside<->outside.

In the business world and in organisational work, I often hear people talk about creativity and innovation as if they are the same things yet they are probably more different than they are the same. 

To me, the application or functional focus of innovation means that by definition, a degree of steering and channelling has been applied from the beginning. The more we are bothered by the need for creativity to deliver something, the more we are putting constraints on what is potentially a very free process. The effect of the need for an end result can mean that we 'waste' less time and energy in taking diversions- but the downside is that it might also mean we won't necessarily stumble upon something that is beyond our expectations and something that is fresh, new, original or unique. I feel very strongly that commercial pressures and the need for return on investments mean that there has been a movement towards innovation and design at the expense of art and pure creativity. 

As we develop as peoples, I sense that at some point there will be a need to search for meaning, to return to ways of connecting more with our spirit and to let ourselves have some free space to go to the edge of our imagination. I believe that it is at the edge of our consciousness that insights, wisdoms and new futures reside.

Having come from a background of classical dance and music and relatively recently, reconnecting with art, I am beginning to appreciate the difference between being an artisan and an artist; being a composer and a musician or being a choreographer and a dancer. In my view, of the art forms, there is no substitute for art and in particular, drawing and painting. This is because they lend themselves to allow what has been absorbed and experienced by the artist to be re-expressed and in that process, enabling what is foreign to be integrated and transformed into something else. This 'something else' will have, for the artist, particular meaning and each piece of work also holds a potential for conveying something universal that has transcendental reach. In my view, art has the ability not only to transport the viewer/ participant/ co-creator to another space, place and time but art made with energy and emotion is alive and the viewer/ participant/ co-creator meets the feeling and the spirit of the artist's source in the here and now. In that moment, something new is created within the being of the viewer. We can talk, read and imagine this process but it is not until we do it that we really understand and get to know what art is and the relationship between art and creativity until we get our hands dirty and make some art.

Why is creativity so important to us now? Real creativity is about making something unique out of nothing. Truly creative people are able to make newness time and time again. It is this type of capacity that is most needed now. It is not possible to develop new solutions unless we are able to look at the world with fresh eyes. This is very hard to do as one settles into a pattern of operation very quickly. 

Creative activities, in particular movement, sounds and paintings- any artistic medium that is relatively open (without constraints of 'form' per se) is helpful in enabling us to keep open our own creative spaces. In addition, when one is immersed in truly creative acts, one is allowing what is inside and often out of awareness to be expressed. As such, creative medium and creative activities can also reveal to us more information about ourselves, our environment and the way we are affected by what is going on. Like meditative practices, the development of one's creative capacity is an on-going practice- a continuous process of simultaneous opening, challenging and calling forth what is from the inside to give itself to the outside world. This requires a curiosity and openness to the world. Over time, development of creative capacity becomes a development of being.

Pre-Tirement

I am sitting at the airport in Warsaw waiting for a flight to Istanbul where we are giving a workshop. I remember about 5 years ago my dad saying to me '...so I suppose you will be retiring soon...' and, at the time, I thought what he said was completely bonkers. Today, while sitting here, waiting for my flight, I am wondering whether it is in fact, Time. But then I thought, I don't actually know what the word 'retirement' means. When I googled, Wiki- the source of all information- says that retirement is the age when I stop employment. It doesn't describe how I feel. But I am feeling quite jaded- maybe, even defeated- when I see so much of what goes on, the amount of facade, illusions and delusions- I feel my ambivalence (at best). On the one hand, the fighter in me wants to continue to stay and carry on and the other part just wants to get off the train once and for all. So perhaps I am in 'Pre-Tirement'- selecting to put off retirement in an emerging way. At this point in my life, I am questioning a lot of what I have done- whether any of it was worth anything and whether I have/ am short-changing myself by insisting on being a practitioner rather than something else. John said to me this morning 'I came across this article about how to make yourself famous...' my immediate reaction was 'I don't want to be famous'. But then, in our world today, particularly in the corporate world, not being famous or known for something is almost akin to death/ non-existence. So do I go against my natural instinct? Or, is my insistence on 'not' itself, a significant sign of some other resistance? Seems also that for me to matter, I have to be regarded as someone who matters---and that seems a little crazy!

Last night, I watched a Ted Talk on Infidelity. The speaker was excellent- fascinating- and- I cannot remember a single thing she said- except for the comment at the end- 'I might sound French---I am not.' Then I started to wonder about Ted Talk- it is about ideas but it is also about the person too and in the ideal situation, the two would marry up. But I wonder whether the person giving the talk is serving the talk, others in their field or him/ her own PR? If indeed they are giving voice to others who are similarly doing that work, how would that change things and how would we know? If we are part of their field of interest, should we be grateful? Seems there is no way of being involved in that process of selection in the first place.

The finally, I guess it's about our attention and maybe this is the crux of the matter. I was fortunate enough to have worked with some fantastic interpreters in Poland: Agnieszka, Karol, Anna- you know who you are...! Their work is to support whoever is speaking but in fact, they are the ones who give the speech. Their work reminds me of a time when I was in a concert and the singer-songwriter was what everybody went there for. Yet the person who stole the show for me was the woman who accompanied her- she was the one who enriched and added extra dimension to her vocals. The way she gave herself to every song- much like the work of Agnieszka, Karol and Anna- heightened my awareness of all those who live and work in support of others. I would like the world to see more and right now, I feel I am flowing against the current.

Easter Weekend

We are coming up to Easter Sunday- one of the biggest event in the Christian calender. I confess to having a mixed religious bag- perhaps one I would call 'integrative' where I have a mishmash of Christian, Buddhism and Taosim. I always admire people who are 'true believers'- I think it takes a lot these days to embrace in totality, a set of beliefs without questioning/ doubt.

This weekend, for the third time in my life, I have been asked to be a Godparent. My first Godchild was/is Philippa- a lovely daughter of a friend of mine- Russell and Kaye. My second Godchild was/ is Max, an energetic and strong son of a friend- Nikki and her husband, Adam. My third Godchildern this time are Ruppie and Benji- my nephews- lovely sons of Rosie, my sister-in-law. For a change, Antony will be Godfather so I feel that our responsibility is shared. I always have some concerns about this type of thing because I am not a great one for rituals so, in these situations, I am largely ignorant of what these rituals call for and for me to be able to honestly sign-up for whatever the deal is. Thanks to Google (!) I was able to look up THE definition from Church of England. Apparently, the job of Godparents is to provide guidance for Godchildren on issues concerning Love, Hope and Faith. Phew! Big sigh of relief---that, I feel I am able to do. This is not because I have answers but because I have thought about these three things- a lot. For me, these three things are inter-dependent and holographic.I can't understand why Love is upheld as 'the greatest of the three' when Love itself requires and has embedded in it, Hope and Faith. So, in this sense, Love cannot exist without Hope and Faith.

Another insight, when contemplating about Love, Hope and Faith came about in a car with Ginger, Dean of a seminary who is a Baptist. In our conversation, it occurred to me that there is something missing- Humility. To me, Humility is a natural feeling in all things spiritual. It is present in all spiritual practices. The root of the word 'Humility' is from 'Humus', soil- which we return and from which new life springs forth. So it's curious isn't it why Humility is not included in the trinity. I would love it if someone could talk to me about this! Another insight that 'popped out' quite unconsciously was during our week-long consulting assignment in a seminary, I was asked a question by Pastor Gary who asked me whether I was a Christian to which I gave a long-winded answer about my Grandfather setting up a Christian school in the New Territories in Hong Kong, my parents meeting through church, going to Church of England schools and later, through my mother's return to Buddhism, embraced Buddhism also---blah, blah, blah- then, out of the blue- I found myself saying 'what I miss is Fellowship you have in the Church'. Whoa- where did that come from? Perhaps that was Divine Intervention? What I need/ want, is to be part of a group where I can explore the question of Humility- with others who are also discovering their unfolding spiritual paths. And maybe the task of Godparents is to provide such 'Fellowship' or 'Guardianship' when it is needed/ wanted. And I wonder where/ who I can go to explore my own unfolding relationship or understanding of 'God'- in my integrative world....

Rediscovering my stroke

I am writing this from room 106 at the Sobienie Krolewski hotel 1 hour outside of Warsaw. It's a small hotel with a pool and spa- a perfect getaway for the weekend before starting work again in Warsaw on Monday.

For all sorts of reasons, I hadn't been swimming since August 2013 and swimming is something I really enjoy. I learnt to swim when I was quite young- maybe 8 or 9 and I think I took to the water and swimming very easily. I always have this huge sense of freedom when I am in the water- especially when I am swimming in the sea.

Anyway, this morning, I got into the pool at around 10AM. The pool was completely empty when I got it. The first 30 or so lengths were good but it felt a little strange getting back in the water after all this time. When I got out of the water, I was breathing quite hard and I felt like it took a lot of effort. I rested for a while and got back into the water. This time, it felt a bit better. The next 30 lengths felt easier and I was breathing better but also, I felt I was moving along the water much easier with less resistance. The third time I got in, I used a kickboard and did quite a few lengths using the kickboard only. When I got rid of the kickboard and swam again, I could really feel my stroke coming back. It felt such a luxury to be able to use both arms and legs and somehow, I was completely into each and every stroke. In that sense, I was really in-flow. The fourth time I got in, I felt I could swim on and on. I had found my stroke.

When I got out of the pool, I was reflecting this experience- how strange it was for me to feel so strange doing something that was second nature to me and how it took several breaks and several attempts before I found my stroke again. A few weeks ago, towards the end of an Organisation Effectiveness group workshop that I was co-leading/ facilitating with John and Karol, I mused out loud as to what my work really was. I came to the realisation that I had been very good at supporting and promoting other people's work- but I felt that everything I did was relatively invisible. Or maybe, everything I did was consumed by and subsumed into something else. So I wonder about my work and wonder when and how I was in-flow and how to rediscover and get back in-touch with my stroke(s).

Impermanence

All within 24 hours. Photos taken in Tenerife- 28-29/12/13.

Full Circle

So I was one of the 5,000 people caught up in the Gatwick flight nightmare yesterday...it was truly a bad scene. But the light at the end of a 14-hour nightmare of indeterminant waiting and not knowing which culminated in a 2.5 hour wait in the luggage hall of chaos was a free meal at the Hilton. The miracle was not only that our luggage was delivered and not just we got a free meal but it was a chance encounter with this waiter who appeared out of nowhere to greet us- when so many people were queuing and milling about. He just showed us the way to the hospitality buffet downstairs in a hotel where I started my career. The whole scene was a bit surreal because I remembered working on such a night, before Christmas, 20+ years ago in that exact hotel- serving customers like me. Somehow, it seemed a massive cycle had been completed. I had been texting a couple of my closest friends throughout the day- they had seen the news and were concerned for me---so they also knew and really felt for us when I let them know that our flight was cancelled. First thing this morning, I called Nadia- one of my oldest friends---and we chatted about the previous day and how so many people were without electricity or flooded...and suddenly, it occurred to me that I only knew Nadia because of the Hilton. We met when I was in my first proper job after university- I was working as an HR Manager at the Hilton in Southampton and she was working as the HR Manager in Portsmouth- we met at an HR Manager's area meeting and just clicked immediately---that was 20+ years ago. And so, it just seemed right and miraculous that on Christmas morning, I was talking to her on the phone, about the hotel chain that brought us together. In that moment and now, I am full of wonder and gratitude at all the twists and turns in life and of these wonderful moments when I am reminded of all the causes and conditions which manifest into situations- and how without exception these situations are always full of learning and potential---even though sometimes, the question 'why' might appear many many years later.

Wood for the Trees

It's been going on for as long as I have been in Poland and working alongside John. No matter how good I think I am or how much I am pulling my weight as an equal partner- sometimes more than my fair share- it is John who gets the recognition. On and off it's really bothered and annoyed me to varying degrees of severity. I have no idea where it came from- my ego-centric need to be acknowledged or recognised. Believe me, I have been really ashamed of myself and- confused. If I go back a few more years, I had gone very much beyond the egotistical need to be centre-stage- none more so than in therapeutic work where this type of 'look at me' thing just gets in the way of being and working well with clients. Lately, I have been so fed up with my reactions and my apparent 'small mindedness' that I have spent some time examining and looking at just what and why this lack of recognition bothers me so much. I realised that with me, it's not just a lack of recognition per se- it is the lack of recognition in-line with my contribution and value. Sitting in the heart of this is a value of something like 'parity', 'fairness' and---? equality? When there is fair recognition for me, for my colleagues- when I and others are truly seen for who we are and how we have made a contribution- I feel deeply satisfied and very happy. These instance do happen but not as often as they could.

Then John suggested that maybe it is something I am doing or not doing that contributes towards this phenomena. Well, this took me down a very long and windy path of self interrogation and fear- perhaps there is something fundamentally very wrong with me that stops other people from appreciating me? For sure I can be too direct and sometimes hard and too challenging- putting me in the 'tough bitch' or 'iron lady' category...I was filled with doubt and began to feel bad about myself. Then it dawned on me that first and foremost, I need to respect and value myself. And I know for sure I don't do this enough. I am super-critical and demanding of myself. What does self-respect look like? For me, this means that if something is energy-sinking and spiritually deadening, I want to distance myself from that. This also means not wasting myself, my attention and my energy on things that are not life-giving. Instead, turn my attention to things and people that are energy-giving, spiritually nourishing and psychologically nurturing. I realised that this involves changing some deep patterns from very early days- from family and Asian cultures of 'what's bad is actually good for you'. No, what I am discovering is that what's bad is bad for me!

While examining the whats and whys of recognition, I also realised that I am so easily convinced by people around me and my 'field conditions' to pay attention to things that really are not that important. This is so difficult as I am habitually a little too open to others- to the extent that I become confluent or adopt their emotional states often without me realising it is happening. I came to the realisation that I really need to 'take care of my boarders'. This involves reminding myself of what's important to me (they are often intrinsic things), focus on the things and people who really matter and to 'let go' and switch attention- towards activities that give me joy and away from things that disturb my energies. These activities include painting exercises which have a meditative effect, meditating, listening to beautiful music, listening to Buddhist chants and teachings and walking or being in nature. The most important insight I have gained in this whole process is that if I don't do these things and make changes, I will lose myself and get lost in pursuing things that appear to be important but are actually meaning-less. We teach others the real meaning of 'humble' --- being grounded.

Right and Free

I have been practising painting recently by following a book on watercolour. As usual, painting is a completely absorbing activity---before you know it, a couple of hours have flown by. This book is on basic techniques in landscape painting...since I am completely self-taught, everything up to this point has been through discovery. However, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing as they say because I was shocked to find myself getting all worked up because I am not achieving the same effect as I should. Then I was shocked to find that I feel totally stumped when I considered switching back to Acrylics to make some abstract paintings. I was stunned by my sense of anxiety and how constrained I felt- simply the thought of picking up the brushes and playing with colours seemed daunting- inside of me, I was a bit 'blank' followed by a scramble to maybe paint this or that- looking for objects to paint, maybe replicating some of my watercolours but in Acrylics...I am just stunned that I have suddenly been locked into doing things right and perfecting something and so rapidly losing the ability to just freely express- without concern for form but allowing brushes, colours and feelings to run free. Now that I am writing about it, I feel better, I am looking at the large bowl of pink roses and connecting to their pinkness and now, suddenly, feeling something---a desire to play and express pink softness. Thank God!

Time~Space

What I am discovering is that time and space----are essential ingredients for creativity. It takes TIME for the landscape to settle, to evoke, to land, to touch, to feel, to express...

Tijola, Alpujarra, Spain
8.8.13

Paying Forward

I have just come back from lunch with someone who wanted some career advise. She is just starting her career and has found the whole job-hunting process so dis-spiriting. I also remember those early days in my own career when I was caught in the in-between---when my full time job was simply to find a job. The most disheartening aspect of the whole process was taking so much time in completing application forms only to have no response back from recruiters at all- none. And so, as I was walking to this lunch appointment, I was suddenly reminded of Les Simpson, the man who inspired me so much. Two things that he did which stayed with me for 20 years. 1st was his opening workshop to the senior leaders in my company on 'mentoring'- he started his own introduction by describing all the mistakes and failures he had made in his career and how that made him uniquely suited to be a mentor. It was such a different way of showing oneself- I had never seen this happen since Les. It was so risky and unusual that my HR Director felt it was necessary for her to step in and smooth over the fact that he had 'run himself down' instead of introducing himself in the usual pump-up fashion. I must say, I was also initially shocked but that initial reaction was followed swiftly by an amazing feeling of awe. 2nd thing that has stayed with me all these years is his generosity. He told me 'give, give and give' where you can and whenever you can. He gave his time and contacts to me generously when I was a nascent consultant, having just stepped off the organisational treadmill. Whenever I spent time with him, he always gave me so much encouragement and told me over and over that I already had all the consulting experience I needed and that it was not so different being an external consultant than an internal one.

Sadly, Les is no longer alive but his spirit live on in me. And so, this lunchtime, I was glad and grateful for the opportunity this person gave me- for being able to give forward just a little of what I experienced so many years ago. It's a real privilege.

Past Present Perfect

I just got back from a dinner with my god-daughter whom I haven't seen for 13 years. Last time I saw her she was a child and her sister was a baby. It took many miracles for them to be in Warsaw and for me, after all those years, to be a 'surprise' by just turning up to join them at the restaurant tonight. Two beautiful young women appeared in front of my eyes and they were a sight to behold. Both stunning in their own way- one is blonde and the other dark. The younger one of the two shares the same birth date with me. I was overwhelmed with such a huge mixture of emotions: surprise, proud, sad, amazed, happy, joyful, stunned, captivated, awkward, moved....though they have both changed beyond recognition and obviously we have an ocean of events to catch up on---there was, in my God-daughter's eyes- a look- a feeling---of connection that's hard to put into words. I feel really bad that I hadn't been there all those years and missed her growing up but distances, careers and complications of life made it hard to make time but without doubt, I feel I have let me and her down for not being there to experience both of them as they developed and to have been part of their worlds as their worlds took shape. My only consolation is 'better late than never' and I 100% intend to take time now to get to know them as they enter young adulthood. As I left in the taxi and they waved their goodbyes, the look in her eyes broke my heart and the years collapsed as I remembered the last time I waved goodbye and hugged her at her front door. Though she is only my God-daughter, the connection is strong and real and alive- for that I am beyond grateful.

An old flame

Love Lost

 

After 2 years- maybe more

Finally.

 

After 2 years-maybe more 

Barren.

Void.

Spring.

 

Finally, after 2 years-maybe

more Colour.

 

Sigh.

Relief.

Home.

 

It might not be perfect

It is probably not good

As you know

it. For me-

Beautiful

 

For what this re-presents

A lost love.

Found.

 

Pre-Completion, Pre-Death

It started with Howard Tonkin's first posting in Gestalt in Organisations group within LinkedIn which was titled 'Midlife and the Great Unknown'. It caught my eye. I opened up the posting and it took me to his writing on another website where there was a video of David Whyte. I have always loved his writing but never heard him speak. So it was really special to see him and especially to hear him. He recited a much-loved poem of mine 'Love After Love'. The way he recited the poem was fabulous. Conversational and casual, the poem takes on a different resonance. I responded to Howard's posting and said that I made a connection between his work and Stephen Jenkinson- the 'Grief Walker'. It so happened that Howard met Stephen recently and I must have met Stephen the week after. While my past postings were connected to the themes of passings and death, in the past few days, I have noticed my attention being drawn to pre-completion or pre-death. In the past, I noticed that I paid attention to beginnings and I registered endings but until my mother's death, I had not felt endings as much as I am able to feel them now. So it is interesting to me that I am almost 'working up the food chain' to notice the feelings of pre-completion. Recently, I have been sensing a sort of shifting- of a sure but steady feeling of an ending presencing itself. I don't yet know what it is. Perhaps it is my work/ time in Poland. Perhaps it's something else. Suffice to say that I feel the presencing and arrival of some kind of ending approaching. It is unsettling. I feel neither the need to run away nor am I particularly motivated to change 'it' in any way. In Gestalt, there is often a recognition of the 'creative void' and the impression I have is that usually it is spoken about as a prelude to the beginning of a gestalt. What I am experiencing now is a something like a no-thing void during the latter phase of a cycle of experience. Since this is new to me, it seems important to acknowledge it's presence. As I write this down, I am aware of wanting to make use of this time to make sense of and figure out what is ending and just following my process and being with this new feeling. The sun has just appeared for the first time today.

Exquisite

Recently, I had the good fortune of taking people round Tate Modern. Each time I 'saw' different things even though I have been to the same rooms over and over. Yesterday, this was the painting of Dod Procter which I saw for the first time and instantly fell in love with it. The display caption said-

'This was voted Picture of the Year at the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition of 1927 and bought for the nation by the Daily Mail newspaper. From c.1922 Dod Procter had begun to paint a series of simple, monumental portraits of young women that she knew, utilising the fall of light across the figures to give a powerful sense of volume. The model was Cissie Barnes, the sixteen year old daughter of a fisherman from Newlyn, the Cornish village that was home to Dod Procter for most of her working life. The popularity of this painting led to its being displayed in New York, followed by a tour of Britain from 1927 to 1929.' (From www.tate.org.uk)

Close-up study of brushstrokes showed immense attention to detail. The textures, light, skin tones...utterly amazing. Beautiful. Ravishing.

Post Conference Traces

On the PKP 9.00 am from Warsaw to Krakow.

Two days after the 4th International Coaching Conference.

While travelling on the train this morning from Warsaw to Krakow, between emails and spinning plates, I had time---to ponder and dwell on things. As I looked out of the window, the train, with me in it, hurtling towards Krakow, traces of the conference like perfume, lingered. I was caught by the sight of a single tree- black and resolute- against the still white ground of frozen earth. I was struck by the shape of the tree- like a paper cut-out. I suddenly realised I was able to see more- able to see through them- further---into the distance- through other tree structures---further still into the distance. And so, I was at once stunned and grateful for their graceful nakedness, slipping glimpses of so much more because they were stripped down to their bare structures.

 

Somehow, I made a connection with the conference and found myself mulling over the question that was posed by Laura at the beginning of her session about tools---in my wandering of wonderings, these transparent trees represented the creative tension between coaching tools and our being as coaches. For only four months in the year, we are afforded a depth of view we wouldn’t otherwise have. Isn’t it incredible? Only four months! Maybe, just like nature, we can relax our grip on tools and techniques and bare ourselves to our clients so that they see more and see further through us.

Light Chasing the Image

I feel fried today- yesterday and today, I was in the presence of Stephen Jenkinson. His teachings helped me face some of the most enduring knots in my life. In preparation for examining these stones of my life, I started to look through some of the things I wrote in the last few years and found this.

 

 

Sunday, 14^th June 2009 through to Monday 15^th June 2009

Edited 13^th September 2010

 ‘Light chasing the image’

Somehow, it was the words ‘light chasing the image’ that made a deep impression on me and triggered a connection in my mind with ‘leadership’. I sat with this unknown connection for a number of days.

This afternoon, on the 18:37 train from London to Alton, while reading through draft version four, the significance of ‘light chasing the image’ became clearer to me. Since then, the significance has further unfolded.

The phrase ‘light chasing the image’, as I am discovering now, acts as a multi-layered metaphor. When I was writing about leadership and organisational life, it occurred to me that despite our best efforts, emotion is still chasing rationality. Years back, I had the experience of being told by the Operations Director at a manufacturing firm that ‘only scientific management has withstood the test of time’. I realised that the closest emotions get to corporate life is under the veil of rationality- ‘Emotional Intelligence’, ‘Open Space Technology’, ‘The Fifth Discipline’, ‘Theory U’. It is a truly sad state of affairs. In this ‘race’, we do not realise that there are no winners. For as long as we deny an essential aspect of ourselves and, for as long as we fail to understand that emotion, cognition and action function as an interdependent whole, we exist merely as an image of who we are.

What then is our light? To me, it is our full range of feelings- some articulable, some inarticulable. Are they sensations? Are they chemicals? Are they real? Do we even know? So ‘light chasing the image’ is also our struggle to fully express the vastness and infinite variations on a theme we call ‘feelings’- words such as love, fear, hate, compassion are mere images of our experiencing- ‘light’ or perhaps our ‘moment of lighting up?’ So there is a sense that feelings and the articulation of feelings could be close yet will always remain slightly apart. Our recognition of vastness and complexity and our own uniqueness and therefore, separateness are such fundamental aspects of being human. It is both our joy and our pain. Perhaps it is because our light seems so elusive and ethereal that it is just easier to deal with the practical, the measurable and the concrete. But in saying this, I am neglecting the value of the practical and the concrete. This is because when I think a little deeper, it is the existence of the practical and concrete other that helps us learn, identify, develop and continue to differentiate and refine our awareness and articulation of our feelings. In our attempt to share these feelings with others, in our attempt to bridge our separateness, our formless eternal light can become an unending source of inspiration and creativity- giving rise to art, poetry and music- ‘light chasing the image’.

As an existential metaphor, life itself can be ‘light chasing the image’. How many of us are conditioned to live a life as our own image of what or who we should be? How many of us have been conditioned to live life according to the expectations laid down by our institutions- family, school, college, workplaces, society. How many of us project an image of success and okness when really, inside, we feel empty and lost? What does it take to be the light and to understand that it is not our image that feeds us, it is our light? What does it take for us to feel that if we are only our light, we will be not be found wanting- that we are ‘enough’ as we are? What does it take for us to feel that if others are only their light, we would not find them lacking- that they are ‘enough’ as they are? When will we learn that when we are only our light that is when we are not only just living but we are most alive to our liveliness?

What I learnt from our group session this weekend, through a true meeting with someone from my group is this:

Our pain and our vulnerability are also our light. When we have the right support, perhaps we can risk abandoning our image and reveal more of our light. Perhaps this act will move and touch others to do the same. And when we do that, when we both allow each other’s light to shine freely, in that moment, with grace, the chasing stops.

Love and Loss

Today is the 6th anniversary of my mother's passing. I still struggle with the word 'death' in relation to my mum. Because the truth is, she is not dead but still very much alive in my world. With the passing of time, the trauma of what happened on this day, 6 years ago are not as present- though if I allow myself to connect with it, the experience is still vivid. With the passing of time, the emotions surface- catching me unaware- disconnected with the events- abstract- unpredictable- a burst. I was sitting in a taxi this morning, en-route to a meeting- looking out of the window of the taxi, snow outside, grey morning- FLASHBACK- funeral, sitting in front of the hearst, my mum in a coffin behind the glass window- the glass that divided the living from the dead; me from her; my life as it was to the life it was unfolding- in her present absence- one *&$king piece of glass- a lifetime. In that moment in the taxi, I was awash with grief- once more. 6 years later. Still.

From that date, a lot has changed inside of me. I could say that I hold onto things more lightly- I could also say that I care less. Things oscillate between mattering and not mattering; important and not important- I care much and I care less. My thoughts drift to how I feel about me- mattering and not mattering. Just before writing this, I read Paul Barber's newsletter about Love- I assume it is in relation to Valentine's Day. It occurred to me while I was in the hospital- my mother in a coma-- making the final decision to disconnect the life-support machines...that if I were to make the decision to bring an end to her on the 14th, Valentine's Day would never be the same again. I was thinking of celebrating- not being able to enjoy the 14th again. But now, I with Paul's quotes fresh in my head, I am connecting with loss and love- grieving because of love. Feeling deep sense of loss for the space that is now empty. I thought writing about this would make me feel 'better'- it doesn't.

Ever since the Singapore coaching conference when I had to borrow someone's room for an afternoon- and saw, what I assumed was like her 'travelling shrine', I had taken to carrying around with me, a bit of 'home' to hotel rooms. There is a small, round photoframe with a photo taken with my mum and dad when I was about 28 years old. This photoframe sat on the glass shelf in our home in Toronto. The home was sold 6 months after my mum died. As I looked into our faces in this small photo, I could see how young we all looked. Then I realised that I am now only about 12 or so years away from the same age my parents were when that photo was taken. I was struck by how quickly time passes. It seems so futile that we spend so much time running around---that I spend so much time---thinking that things matter---when, before I know it, my time is up. I struggle to connect with what really matters and who are the people who really matter to me- including me. Then the thought- how am I spending my time? Does it matter?

Harmony

I am writing this blog sitting on a train from Milford to Grand Central Station in New York City. We have been spending four days with our colleagues in the US and Canada on a special retreat updating each other on how we have been working with our programme- the Leadership Development Intensive (LDI). It has been a very intensive time together- connecting, sharing and learning.

 
Our colleagues, Lynnea and Michael in Milford generously opened their house to all of us which made the gathering extra special because of the homely and intimate environment. Michael is a fiendish cook. We were blessed with three straight days of the most incredible weather. Each day greeted us with the most amazing sunrise. I took to walking in the mornings with Plum- enjoying her bright chatter, great conversations and walks along the water’s edge. Truly magnificent.

 

And---

in the midst of all of this, Harmony. Lynnea and Michael's two cats of which one in particular, Harmony, sat and slept on my bed every night while we were there. She is more mamacita than feline. So to move her off the bed was nigh on impossible. My unconscious kicks in the night were met with a big soft ball of fur----and my remorseful ‘oh god, sorrys...’ were met with a few mere twitches of the ears. Unusually for me, being more of a dog person than a cat person, I was surprised at how much I connected with their spirits. I felt I ‘understood’ their energies and ‘read’ their needs and for the first time in my life, felt close to the spirit of these cat-beings. What a great life! Harmony sat on the bed, purring and curled up pretty much all day, wandering around when it suited her, ate- or not- when it suited her.  Most of her time was spent calmly looking around, washing herself, padding around and enjoying being stroked and tickled. WHAT A LIFE! I learned so much from her. Being with her also helped me to connect with the playful and wonderous child in me- to be silly and cooing. I took to this ‘mantra’ for both Harmony and myself---‘I am a cat, I am a cat, I am nothing but a puddie tatt...’ Meow! As I laughed at my own silliness, my mind wondered what connecting with the ‘feline’ in me will bring...I’m smiling...like the cat with the cream. Meow!