Bylam<->Jestem<->Bede

It snowed all day yesterday- everyone said it was unusual for this time of the year- not even November. I was struck by a sense of nostalgia. For some reason, the way it was snowing took me back to when I first arrived in Poland in 2010- or was it 2009? I was in Krakow then and I remember being struck by the black and white landscape- black railings of the Planty, black leafless trees, white snow, white rooftops- the smell of coal in the air- black smoke coming out of chimneys. Trams, renaissance stoneswork, cobblestoned alleyways- getting completely lost and disoriented- always somehow winding back on myself and finding myself in pretty much the same spot after a lot of walking round and round. And today, in Warsaw. What a difference! Streaming traffic, wide roads and angular structures- concrete, concrete and soviet past somehow embedded in the buildings, roads and the feel of the place. Then suddenly, I was struck by how familiar I felt to being in Toronto- the same flatness of landscape, of satellite settlements with no apparent character. Life in cold climes reduced to mostly hopping from one indoor setting to another. Odd. Oddly familiar. I looked at myself in the mirror and reflected on how time has passed so quickly. And I have been commuting from Krakow to Warsaw to the UK for at least two years- very intensely in the last year. Have I aged? How have I changed? I found myself unable to connect with the present me as I am filled with schedules, meetings, plans, articles yet to be written, workshops and flight bookings. It seems the pendulum has swung to the other side- away from the artistic side to the productive side. I fear the pendulum might get stuck and never swing back again. Though I am 'doing well' in many respects, I have a persistent, gnawing fear that this phase of productivity will drive out my creativity- that I will be condemned to being a little mouse on a little wheel. When I wrote the title, I wasn't sure whether to put anything after 'Bede' and if i were to put a sign, would it be < or >? If I had a choice, which I actually do, how would I swing the pendulum? Is Bede < or >?

Love and light

I have always been grateful to the universe for granting me life and for my life to have been graced by the presence of many amazing people. Recently, I learnt that a good friend has been sentenced to a long prison term. Just as I was trying to come to terms with this piece of news and wondering and hoping that he would be 'ok', I received the most amazing email from him. It was titled 'I love you'. I had his agreement to share his words with you through my blog. I have cut out the more person-specific content.

'Im going to continue looking at this as a mission that I have chosen to undertake, to work with people in places that need it the most. There is of course much work to do for us all for the world to move up a level in consciousness, which is so needed at this time. So it's time for me to be strong, take care of the internal process and continue helping others with their feelings, their cases and the lives, so often messed up and completely unaware of anything other than this reality. Mum has been here for the Summer and has been truly amazing in her support and wisdom, we really are helping each other see the bigger picture in our conversations and meditations.


I know and realise that we are all travelling through eternity, through many lives, slowly evolving and learning, returning back and forth to the source, the great intelligence. We are consciousness expressing itself and dancing through all matter, we have an oppurtunity to enjoy the great drama of this universe, if we'll only stay awake long enough to realise ourselves and who we truly are.

So my lovely friends, Im dealing with the emotions of it all at the moment and am just so thankful of your letters, your support and your love. You are all in my heart constantly, every message to myself or through Mum make a big difference when I hear your names mentioned or what your up to in the world. I will forever be part of our tribe and our community and hope that you can find a place for me when I eventually return, which I promise I will...

Sending you love and light...'

So of all the people in the world, this is someone who has been condemned to the best of his life behind bars. Of all the people in the world, he is someone who has all the reasons in the world to give up- give up hope, give up on himself. But he has chosen, for now, to still make something of his life and to choose not to see his life as confined but limitless. Words like retribution have their place- we must accept the consequences of our actions but beyond that, what else is there? What of redemption? To me, beyond having courage to confess and pay for our sins it takes even more courage to go further and reach for meaning, to salvage what remains in our souls and let that be our light that carries us to salvation.

'...the infinite subjective dark space of our being is the source of infinite imagination and creativity' Anthony Gormley, sculpter- Ted Talks, 'Sculpted space, within and without', June 2012.

A poem sent to me by Jeni on All Saints Day:

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
               
                               

                               
(Max Ehrmann, 1872-1945)
               
                                                                                               
                               
This is the day we are given;
               
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.