Somebody <-> Nobody

It's been a while finding the inspiration and time to blog. So it's been building, the on/off need to write and now, here it is. Today, I have been stunned by the somebody <-> nobody dilemma- I really don't know where I stand. For a while in my life, I was somebody with a job title, a role, a wife, a wanna-be mother, a daughter etc. then it seemed like everything dropped away- piece by piece. First of all, the corporate job, then the shattered dreams of being able to have children, then the shattering of 'family' as I knew it- so gradually, piece by piece, I became a nobody. Then, almost out of the blue, I decided to go ahead and present on my own at the IODA conference in Budapest and then one thing after another, I persuaded myself that maybe there is still something left to be done in the corporate world- in my version of what happened, my story is that 'corporate work isn't done with me yet'. On that basis, I re-emerged from the world of being on the fringes to re-engage with the consulting world once more. In doing so, I became somebody again. But now and again, I wonder to myself, is this all an illusion? It was the anniversary of my mother's passing on the 13th, yesterday, and it is now officially five years since she died. Five years. FIVE years. Still feels like three. Reflecting on her life, she was utterly normal and ordinary and she was perfectly happy. Speaking with my dad yesterday, he said he was grateful for truely happy years he had with mum. Curling back on my somebodiness now, am I happier by being a somebody? Maybe I am totally deluded. I think that the truth is that I am a somebody by being in a foreign land where there is a hunger for people who have something to offer. I think there is a price being a somebody. That price is a sense of responsibility and a sense of reponsibility limits the space and freedom I had when I was a nobody. I read somewhere recently 'stop asking what life has to offer you. Start asking what you have to offer life'- somehow that struck a cord- it tapped into my sense of responsibility to give myself to whatever need is 'out there'- but what of the 'need in here'?

Peace at last

I noticed this morning how quiet it is. Normally I can hear trams and cars but this morning---nothing. There is a depth of silence in the countryside that is usually missing in the city. So it is actually quite unusual to experience complete silence and it is only in major festivals that I have ever experienced a 'quality' of stillness in the city. Somehow, when everyone is 'somewhere else'- Christmas Eve in some countries and Christmas Day in others- that places become very still. I find this stillness very peaceful. In this place, I am able to connect with the spirit in and of Christmas and indeed, in the heart of all major religions. In this place I am peace and acting from this place, all my actions are carriers of peace.

Going backwards

For so long I have held the believe that it's not possible to 'go backwards'. Lately, I have been thinking that this idea is not entirely 'true'. Whilst I do believe that we all move on, I am starting to think that it is possible to 'go back'. The reason why I say this is because I think when I 'move forward' in life, it is possible to reflect and take stock of what really matters to me and what it is that gives me joy, happiness and a sense of well-being. I believe the choice to return to that place is possible. I think it is because what really matters to me is the environment in which I feel 'at home' and 'at peace'. It's been very obvious to me for a long time now that my 'place' is in the open expanse of the countryside, being in nature. It is the only place where I have ever felt peaceful and fully accepted. A place where everything falls into place and where my life has a balanced perspective. The year I spent in the countryside was a period of my life where I was most unsettled and the most settled at the same time. At my most desparate, the countryside provided me with an unconditional holding, acceptance and healing in a way I never could have imagined. It was also a place where I came to many realisations about the nature of nature. It is a place where I intend to return- to quote John Scherer, a place where I will be 'coming home to myself'.