Impermanence

All within 24 hours. Photos taken in Tenerife- 28-29/12/13.

Full Circle

So I was one of the 5,000 people caught up in the Gatwick flight nightmare yesterday...it was truly a bad scene. But the light at the end of a 14-hour nightmare of indeterminant waiting and not knowing which culminated in a 2.5 hour wait in the luggage hall of chaos was a free meal at the Hilton. The miracle was not only that our luggage was delivered and not just we got a free meal but it was a chance encounter with this waiter who appeared out of nowhere to greet us- when so many people were queuing and milling about. He just showed us the way to the hospitality buffet downstairs in a hotel where I started my career. The whole scene was a bit surreal because I remembered working on such a night, before Christmas, 20+ years ago in that exact hotel- serving customers like me. Somehow, it seemed a massive cycle had been completed. I had been texting a couple of my closest friends throughout the day- they had seen the news and were concerned for me---so they also knew and really felt for us when I let them know that our flight was cancelled. First thing this morning, I called Nadia- one of my oldest friends---and we chatted about the previous day and how so many people were without electricity or flooded...and suddenly, it occurred to me that I only knew Nadia because of the Hilton. We met when I was in my first proper job after university- I was working as an HR Manager at the Hilton in Southampton and she was working as the HR Manager in Portsmouth- we met at an HR Manager's area meeting and just clicked immediately---that was 20+ years ago. And so, it just seemed right and miraculous that on Christmas morning, I was talking to her on the phone, about the hotel chain that brought us together. In that moment and now, I am full of wonder and gratitude at all the twists and turns in life and of these wonderful moments when I am reminded of all the causes and conditions which manifest into situations- and how without exception these situations are always full of learning and potential---even though sometimes, the question 'why' might appear many many years later.

Wood for the Trees

It's been going on for as long as I have been in Poland and working alongside John. No matter how good I think I am or how much I am pulling my weight as an equal partner- sometimes more than my fair share- it is John who gets the recognition. On and off it's really bothered and annoyed me to varying degrees of severity. I have no idea where it came from- my ego-centric need to be acknowledged or recognised. Believe me, I have been really ashamed of myself and- confused. If I go back a few more years, I had gone very much beyond the egotistical need to be centre-stage- none more so than in therapeutic work where this type of 'look at me' thing just gets in the way of being and working well with clients. Lately, I have been so fed up with my reactions and my apparent 'small mindedness' that I have spent some time examining and looking at just what and why this lack of recognition bothers me so much. I realised that with me, it's not just a lack of recognition per se- it is the lack of recognition in-line with my contribution and value. Sitting in the heart of this is a value of something like 'parity', 'fairness' and---? equality? When there is fair recognition for me, for my colleagues- when I and others are truly seen for who we are and how we have made a contribution- I feel deeply satisfied and very happy. These instance do happen but not as often as they could.

Then John suggested that maybe it is something I am doing or not doing that contributes towards this phenomena. Well, this took me down a very long and windy path of self interrogation and fear- perhaps there is something fundamentally very wrong with me that stops other people from appreciating me? For sure I can be too direct and sometimes hard and too challenging- putting me in the 'tough bitch' or 'iron lady' category...I was filled with doubt and began to feel bad about myself. Then it dawned on me that first and foremost, I need to respect and value myself. And I know for sure I don't do this enough. I am super-critical and demanding of myself. What does self-respect look like? For me, this means that if something is energy-sinking and spiritually deadening, I want to distance myself from that. This also means not wasting myself, my attention and my energy on things that are not life-giving. Instead, turn my attention to things and people that are energy-giving, spiritually nourishing and psychologically nurturing. I realised that this involves changing some deep patterns from very early days- from family and Asian cultures of 'what's bad is actually good for you'. No, what I am discovering is that what's bad is bad for me!

While examining the whats and whys of recognition, I also realised that I am so easily convinced by people around me and my 'field conditions' to pay attention to things that really are not that important. This is so difficult as I am habitually a little too open to others- to the extent that I become confluent or adopt their emotional states often without me realising it is happening. I came to the realisation that I really need to 'take care of my boarders'. This involves reminding myself of what's important to me (they are often intrinsic things), focus on the things and people who really matter and to 'let go' and switch attention- towards activities that give me joy and away from things that disturb my energies. These activities include painting exercises which have a meditative effect, meditating, listening to beautiful music, listening to Buddhist chants and teachings and walking or being in nature. The most important insight I have gained in this whole process is that if I don't do these things and make changes, I will lose myself and get lost in pursuing things that appear to be important but are actually meaning-less. We teach others the real meaning of 'humble' --- being grounded.

Right and Free

I have been practising painting recently by following a book on watercolour. As usual, painting is a completely absorbing activity---before you know it, a couple of hours have flown by. This book is on basic techniques in landscape painting...since I am completely self-taught, everything up to this point has been through discovery. However, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing as they say because I was shocked to find myself getting all worked up because I am not achieving the same effect as I should. Then I was shocked to find that I feel totally stumped when I considered switching back to Acrylics to make some abstract paintings. I was stunned by my sense of anxiety and how constrained I felt- simply the thought of picking up the brushes and playing with colours seemed daunting- inside of me, I was a bit 'blank' followed by a scramble to maybe paint this or that- looking for objects to paint, maybe replicating some of my watercolours but in Acrylics...I am just stunned that I have suddenly been locked into doing things right and perfecting something and so rapidly losing the ability to just freely express- without concern for form but allowing brushes, colours and feelings to run free. Now that I am writing about it, I feel better, I am looking at the large bowl of pink roses and connecting to their pinkness and now, suddenly, feeling something---a desire to play and express pink softness. Thank God!

Time~Space

What I am discovering is that time and space----are essential ingredients for creativity. It takes TIME for the landscape to settle, to evoke, to land, to touch, to feel, to express...

Tijola, Alpujarra, Spain
8.8.13

Paying Forward

I have just come back from lunch with someone who wanted some career advise. She is just starting her career and has found the whole job-hunting process so dis-spiriting. I also remember those early days in my own career when I was caught in the in-between---when my full time job was simply to find a job. The most disheartening aspect of the whole process was taking so much time in completing application forms only to have no response back from recruiters at all- none. And so, as I was walking to this lunch appointment, I was suddenly reminded of Les Simpson, the man who inspired me so much. Two things that he did which stayed with me for 20 years. 1st was his opening workshop to the senior leaders in my company on 'mentoring'- he started his own introduction by describing all the mistakes and failures he had made in his career and how that made him uniquely suited to be a mentor. It was such a different way of showing oneself- I had never seen this happen since Les. It was so risky and unusual that my HR Director felt it was necessary for her to step in and smooth over the fact that he had 'run himself down' instead of introducing himself in the usual pump-up fashion. I must say, I was also initially shocked but that initial reaction was followed swiftly by an amazing feeling of awe. 2nd thing that has stayed with me all these years is his generosity. He told me 'give, give and give' where you can and whenever you can. He gave his time and contacts to me generously when I was a nascent consultant, having just stepped off the organisational treadmill. Whenever I spent time with him, he always gave me so much encouragement and told me over and over that I already had all the consulting experience I needed and that it was not so different being an external consultant than an internal one.

Sadly, Les is no longer alive but his spirit live on in me. And so, this lunchtime, I was glad and grateful for the opportunity this person gave me- for being able to give forward just a little of what I experienced so many years ago. It's a real privilege.

Past Present Perfect

I just got back from a dinner with my god-daughter whom I haven't seen for 13 years. Last time I saw her she was a child and her sister was a baby. It took many miracles for them to be in Warsaw and for me, after all those years, to be a 'surprise' by just turning up to join them at the restaurant tonight. Two beautiful young women appeared in front of my eyes and they were a sight to behold. Both stunning in their own way- one is blonde and the other dark. The younger one of the two shares the same birth date with me. I was overwhelmed with such a huge mixture of emotions: surprise, proud, sad, amazed, happy, joyful, stunned, captivated, awkward, moved....though they have both changed beyond recognition and obviously we have an ocean of events to catch up on---there was, in my God-daughter's eyes- a look- a feeling---of connection that's hard to put into words. I feel really bad that I hadn't been there all those years and missed her growing up but distances, careers and complications of life made it hard to make time but without doubt, I feel I have let me and her down for not being there to experience both of them as they developed and to have been part of their worlds as their worlds took shape. My only consolation is 'better late than never' and I 100% intend to take time now to get to know them as they enter young adulthood. As I left in the taxi and they waved their goodbyes, the look in her eyes broke my heart and the years collapsed as I remembered the last time I waved goodbye and hugged her at her front door. Though she is only my God-daughter, the connection is strong and real and alive- for that I am beyond grateful.

An old flame

Love Lost

 

After 2 years- maybe more

Finally.

 

After 2 years-maybe more 

Barren.

Void.

Spring.

 

Finally, after 2 years-maybe

more Colour.

 

Sigh.

Relief.

Home.

 

It might not be perfect

It is probably not good

As you know

it. For me-

Beautiful

 

For what this re-presents

A lost love.

Found.

 

Pre-Completion, Pre-Death

It started with Howard Tonkin's first posting in Gestalt in Organisations group within LinkedIn which was titled 'Midlife and the Great Unknown'. It caught my eye. I opened up the posting and it took me to his writing on another website where there was a video of David Whyte. I have always loved his writing but never heard him speak. So it was really special to see him and especially to hear him. He recited a much-loved poem of mine 'Love After Love'. The way he recited the poem was fabulous. Conversational and casual, the poem takes on a different resonance. I responded to Howard's posting and said that I made a connection between his work and Stephen Jenkinson- the 'Grief Walker'. It so happened that Howard met Stephen recently and I must have met Stephen the week after. While my past postings were connected to the themes of passings and death, in the past few days, I have noticed my attention being drawn to pre-completion or pre-death. In the past, I noticed that I paid attention to beginnings and I registered endings but until my mother's death, I had not felt endings as much as I am able to feel them now. So it is interesting to me that I am almost 'working up the food chain' to notice the feelings of pre-completion. Recently, I have been sensing a sort of shifting- of a sure but steady feeling of an ending presencing itself. I don't yet know what it is. Perhaps it is my work/ time in Poland. Perhaps it's something else. Suffice to say that I feel the presencing and arrival of some kind of ending approaching. It is unsettling. I feel neither the need to run away nor am I particularly motivated to change 'it' in any way. In Gestalt, there is often a recognition of the 'creative void' and the impression I have is that usually it is spoken about as a prelude to the beginning of a gestalt. What I am experiencing now is a something like a no-thing void during the latter phase of a cycle of experience. Since this is new to me, it seems important to acknowledge it's presence. As I write this down, I am aware of wanting to make use of this time to make sense of and figure out what is ending and just following my process and being with this new feeling. The sun has just appeared for the first time today.

Exquisite

Recently, I had the good fortune of taking people round Tate Modern. Each time I 'saw' different things even though I have been to the same rooms over and over. Yesterday, this was the painting of Dod Procter which I saw for the first time and instantly fell in love with it. The display caption said-

'This was voted Picture of the Year at the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition of 1927 and bought for the nation by the Daily Mail newspaper. From c.1922 Dod Procter had begun to paint a series of simple, monumental portraits of young women that she knew, utilising the fall of light across the figures to give a powerful sense of volume. The model was Cissie Barnes, the sixteen year old daughter of a fisherman from Newlyn, the Cornish village that was home to Dod Procter for most of her working life. The popularity of this painting led to its being displayed in New York, followed by a tour of Britain from 1927 to 1929.' (From www.tate.org.uk)

Close-up study of brushstrokes showed immense attention to detail. The textures, light, skin tones...utterly amazing. Beautiful. Ravishing.

Post Conference Traces

On the PKP 9.00 am from Warsaw to Krakow.

Two days after the 4th International Coaching Conference.

While travelling on the train this morning from Warsaw to Krakow, between emails and spinning plates, I had time---to ponder and dwell on things. As I looked out of the window, the train, with me in it, hurtling towards Krakow, traces of the conference like perfume, lingered. I was caught by the sight of a single tree- black and resolute- against the still white ground of frozen earth. I was struck by the shape of the tree- like a paper cut-out. I suddenly realised I was able to see more- able to see through them- further---into the distance- through other tree structures---further still into the distance. And so, I was at once stunned and grateful for their graceful nakedness, slipping glimpses of so much more because they were stripped down to their bare structures.

 

Somehow, I made a connection with the conference and found myself mulling over the question that was posed by Laura at the beginning of her session about tools---in my wandering of wonderings, these transparent trees represented the creative tension between coaching tools and our being as coaches. For only four months in the year, we are afforded a depth of view we wouldn’t otherwise have. Isn’t it incredible? Only four months! Maybe, just like nature, we can relax our grip on tools and techniques and bare ourselves to our clients so that they see more and see further through us.

Light Chasing the Image

I feel fried today- yesterday and today, I was in the presence of Stephen Jenkinson. His teachings helped me face some of the most enduring knots in my life. In preparation for examining these stones of my life, I started to look through some of the things I wrote in the last few years and found this.

 

 

Sunday, 14^th June 2009 through to Monday 15^th June 2009

Edited 13^th September 2010

 ‘Light chasing the image’

Somehow, it was the words ‘light chasing the image’ that made a deep impression on me and triggered a connection in my mind with ‘leadership’. I sat with this unknown connection for a number of days.

This afternoon, on the 18:37 train from London to Alton, while reading through draft version four, the significance of ‘light chasing the image’ became clearer to me. Since then, the significance has further unfolded.

The phrase ‘light chasing the image’, as I am discovering now, acts as a multi-layered metaphor. When I was writing about leadership and organisational life, it occurred to me that despite our best efforts, emotion is still chasing rationality. Years back, I had the experience of being told by the Operations Director at a manufacturing firm that ‘only scientific management has withstood the test of time’. I realised that the closest emotions get to corporate life is under the veil of rationality- ‘Emotional Intelligence’, ‘Open Space Technology’, ‘The Fifth Discipline’, ‘Theory U’. It is a truly sad state of affairs. In this ‘race’, we do not realise that there are no winners. For as long as we deny an essential aspect of ourselves and, for as long as we fail to understand that emotion, cognition and action function as an interdependent whole, we exist merely as an image of who we are.

What then is our light? To me, it is our full range of feelings- some articulable, some inarticulable. Are they sensations? Are they chemicals? Are they real? Do we even know? So ‘light chasing the image’ is also our struggle to fully express the vastness and infinite variations on a theme we call ‘feelings’- words such as love, fear, hate, compassion are mere images of our experiencing- ‘light’ or perhaps our ‘moment of lighting up?’ So there is a sense that feelings and the articulation of feelings could be close yet will always remain slightly apart. Our recognition of vastness and complexity and our own uniqueness and therefore, separateness are such fundamental aspects of being human. It is both our joy and our pain. Perhaps it is because our light seems so elusive and ethereal that it is just easier to deal with the practical, the measurable and the concrete. But in saying this, I am neglecting the value of the practical and the concrete. This is because when I think a little deeper, it is the existence of the practical and concrete other that helps us learn, identify, develop and continue to differentiate and refine our awareness and articulation of our feelings. In our attempt to share these feelings with others, in our attempt to bridge our separateness, our formless eternal light can become an unending source of inspiration and creativity- giving rise to art, poetry and music- ‘light chasing the image’.

As an existential metaphor, life itself can be ‘light chasing the image’. How many of us are conditioned to live a life as our own image of what or who we should be? How many of us have been conditioned to live life according to the expectations laid down by our institutions- family, school, college, workplaces, society. How many of us project an image of success and okness when really, inside, we feel empty and lost? What does it take to be the light and to understand that it is not our image that feeds us, it is our light? What does it take for us to feel that if we are only our light, we will be not be found wanting- that we are ‘enough’ as we are? What does it take for us to feel that if others are only their light, we would not find them lacking- that they are ‘enough’ as they are? When will we learn that when we are only our light that is when we are not only just living but we are most alive to our liveliness?

What I learnt from our group session this weekend, through a true meeting with someone from my group is this:

Our pain and our vulnerability are also our light. When we have the right support, perhaps we can risk abandoning our image and reveal more of our light. Perhaps this act will move and touch others to do the same. And when we do that, when we both allow each other’s light to shine freely, in that moment, with grace, the chasing stops.

Love and Loss

Today is the 6th anniversary of my mother's passing. I still struggle with the word 'death' in relation to my mum. Because the truth is, she is not dead but still very much alive in my world. With the passing of time, the trauma of what happened on this day, 6 years ago are not as present- though if I allow myself to connect with it, the experience is still vivid. With the passing of time, the emotions surface- catching me unaware- disconnected with the events- abstract- unpredictable- a burst. I was sitting in a taxi this morning, en-route to a meeting- looking out of the window of the taxi, snow outside, grey morning- FLASHBACK- funeral, sitting in front of the hearst, my mum in a coffin behind the glass window- the glass that divided the living from the dead; me from her; my life as it was to the life it was unfolding- in her present absence- one *&$king piece of glass- a lifetime. In that moment in the taxi, I was awash with grief- once more. 6 years later. Still.

From that date, a lot has changed inside of me. I could say that I hold onto things more lightly- I could also say that I care less. Things oscillate between mattering and not mattering; important and not important- I care much and I care less. My thoughts drift to how I feel about me- mattering and not mattering. Just before writing this, I read Paul Barber's newsletter about Love- I assume it is in relation to Valentine's Day. It occurred to me while I was in the hospital- my mother in a coma-- making the final decision to disconnect the life-support machines...that if I were to make the decision to bring an end to her on the 14th, Valentine's Day would never be the same again. I was thinking of celebrating- not being able to enjoy the 14th again. But now, I with Paul's quotes fresh in my head, I am connecting with loss and love- grieving because of love. Feeling deep sense of loss for the space that is now empty. I thought writing about this would make me feel 'better'- it doesn't.

Ever since the Singapore coaching conference when I had to borrow someone's room for an afternoon- and saw, what I assumed was like her 'travelling shrine', I had taken to carrying around with me, a bit of 'home' to hotel rooms. There is a small, round photoframe with a photo taken with my mum and dad when I was about 28 years old. This photoframe sat on the glass shelf in our home in Toronto. The home was sold 6 months after my mum died. As I looked into our faces in this small photo, I could see how young we all looked. Then I realised that I am now only about 12 or so years away from the same age my parents were when that photo was taken. I was struck by how quickly time passes. It seems so futile that we spend so much time running around---that I spend so much time---thinking that things matter---when, before I know it, my time is up. I struggle to connect with what really matters and who are the people who really matter to me- including me. Then the thought- how am I spending my time? Does it matter?

Harmony

I am writing this blog sitting on a train from Milford to Grand Central Station in New York City. We have been spending four days with our colleagues in the US and Canada on a special retreat updating each other on how we have been working with our programme- the Leadership Development Intensive (LDI). It has been a very intensive time together- connecting, sharing and learning.

 
Our colleagues, Lynnea and Michael in Milford generously opened their house to all of us which made the gathering extra special because of the homely and intimate environment. Michael is a fiendish cook. We were blessed with three straight days of the most incredible weather. Each day greeted us with the most amazing sunrise. I took to walking in the mornings with Plum- enjoying her bright chatter, great conversations and walks along the water’s edge. Truly magnificent.

 

And---

in the midst of all of this, Harmony. Lynnea and Michael's two cats of which one in particular, Harmony, sat and slept on my bed every night while we were there. She is more mamacita than feline. So to move her off the bed was nigh on impossible. My unconscious kicks in the night were met with a big soft ball of fur----and my remorseful ‘oh god, sorrys...’ were met with a few mere twitches of the ears. Unusually for me, being more of a dog person than a cat person, I was surprised at how much I connected with their spirits. I felt I ‘understood’ their energies and ‘read’ their needs and for the first time in my life, felt close to the spirit of these cat-beings. What a great life! Harmony sat on the bed, purring and curled up pretty much all day, wandering around when it suited her, ate- or not- when it suited her.  Most of her time was spent calmly looking around, washing herself, padding around and enjoying being stroked and tickled. WHAT A LIFE! I learned so much from her. Being with her also helped me to connect with the playful and wonderous child in me- to be silly and cooing. I took to this ‘mantra’ for both Harmony and myself---‘I am a cat, I am a cat, I am nothing but a puddie tatt...’ Meow! As I laughed at my own silliness, my mind wondered what connecting with the ‘feline’ in me will bring...I’m smiling...like the cat with the cream. Meow!

9/11 Memorial

The whole area was smaller than I had imagined. It is still a large building site. A big tall glassy tower is being constructed that is suppose to be the 'new' WTC equivalent. South Pool. Large. The water was mesmerising. Fire. Water. Thousands and thousands of running beads of light----glassy, cascading golden crystal  beads running towards a flat spreading pond of moving water---water slowly pouring into a large, black VOID. This large hole is like a permanent dug grave, open, waiting- it's cold open mouth gaping. The POWER of this BIG BLACK SQUARE HOLE came from it's hollowness- it's dark absence draining life from the liveness around it. What intrigued me was the contrast between the hurtling liveness and the black lifelessness of the draining void. This black void left me with a quiet unease. I am puzzled and disturbed by it's power. I wonder how deep this space is and why it is a memorial. Perhaps it is fitting how this void commemorates both the dead and the missing- the absence of life that once was and how life in this city will forever be marked by an empty space and how, for some people, this void could and would never be filled.

Photo taken on 23rd January 2013, 9/11 Memorial.

Follow-through and Breakthrough

The word 'breakthrough' is used with some frequency in the business world. In the past, I had some issues with the differences between change and breakthrough. In the context of New Year and New Year Resolutions, I was wondering about wishes I had/ have for myself, for my work, for friends, for colleagues and for clients...nothing came to me. I felt quite flat- lacking in any excitement for the year ahead. I could have lied to myself and just labelled my state of being as being 'peaceful' or 'open' or something like that. But the reality was/ is that I have a pervading sense of flatness. During this time, I made a BIG investment in a new laptop and in the course of tranferring all my folders and files across from the old machine to the new one, I came across many photos, paintings and drawings I made in the last few years- I was in a particularly fertile creative groove a couple of years ago and spent many hours taking photos, drawing and painting. As I looked through them, I was struck by how much I had produced and how lovely some of them were/ are. I could also see that something nascent- glimmers of emergent themes and images nestled in the mishmash of 'stuff'. I was also aware of how differently I felt about them as I looked at them in January 2013 compared with December 2011- I did not see then what I saw a week ago. Then I wondered why I stopped- I was busy- yes...but I think the real reason for stopping was a lack of inspiration and a feeling of not getting anywhere- that I was stuck in a pattern- I could not breakthrough to make better art because I was busy, I did not have the skill, I lacked techniques etc etc. The truth was, I felt stuck, dried up and a bit lost. A few days ago, we made a final project review/ presentation to a client company and we commented to say that the client system had a pattern of 'lack of follow-through'. In my discussion with John afterwards, I described the importance of follow-through in many sport. I remembered the hours of tennis coaching I had and how it was stressed to me that power came NOT from hitting the ball hard but on the follow-through of my swing. Connecting all these thoughts, I started to wonder about the relationship between follow-through and breakthrough. My dear dear friend, Janet, who runs a very successful business said to me on New Year's Eve- that just when they thought they could not carry on any further, they found the strength to just carry on a little bit more and that was when things started to happen and their business broke through to a new level. Maybe my school teachers were right- maybe 'sticking at things' is the rite of passage for true potential to be realised.

Emerging themes for 2013:  Perseverence, follow-through, momentum, building, realisation.