Falling

I went for a run on Sunday. While running downhill I became aware of the strain on my knees and wondered what whether it would be more or less straining if I were to lean forward. I shifted my weight forward such that I felt more running into the downward slope rather than 'against it' ie leaning back. This proved much easier and less straining. I made a connection with skiing and how, on very steep slopes- I am thinking of La Face at Val d'sere where the pitch is quite serious and where it is more often than not, icy- deserving of a 'black' run...how it was counter-intuitive to lean into the fall-line and how it was counter-productive to be leaning back- it is a paradox- if you lean into the fall-line, you have more control over your skis and your speed; conversely, because one is scared, the tendency to lean backwwards as a natural reaction to fear of falling...so it is very interesting to me that to lean into falling is less straining, more efficient and effective than trying to 'get away' from falling. So I wonder whether when something is coming to an end, 'letting go' is really about falling into the end- allowing oneself to be immersed in the ending rather than the urge/ natural inclination to hang-on to the past or resisting what in essence, is a natural phenomenon- part of a cycle of
birth <-> death. This in turn raises the question of sustainability and how it is now very fashionable to use the word 'sustainability'. Does nature seek to preserve itself? Does nature seek to prolong it's own life? I think not. It seems to me that nature does not attempt to overcome/ overpower/ control nature itself.

Void

It is shocking to me that my last entry was July 2009. Much has happened in the intervening months. It seems impossible that I have been and I am still going through such restructuring in my life- yet this is where I am. In Gestalt, there is a phrase called 'creative void', 'fertile void' or 'zero point'. In Presencing Institute's Theory U model, it is the bottom of the U process- the 'Letting Go'/ 'Letting Come' point. Reading about such moments and experiencing such moments are somewhat different. I am experiencing both zero point of void- where much of what has been seems to have been obliterated and where the ground is, for now, totally unstable. At the same time, I am also faced with a series of 'letting go'- being reflective for a moment, I feel that there are many levels of letting go with life itself being the ultimate letting go. So this is praxis. What of 'creative adjustments' themselves? What of 'creativity' itself. Theoretically, creativity SHOULD be at it's most fertile- it is not my experience right now. I intend to take myself into solitary retreat over the next few days- I wonder what, if any answers will emerge.

Source

I had a skype conversation with my partner a few days ago and he described a profound experience of co-creating a series of movements with someone who was not a dancer by training. The conversation left me full of feelings about so many aspects of relating and relationships. One of which is my sadness from being aware of how my own capabilities and capacities as a dancer has diminished over time. Time and physical deterioration is actuely felt by me as limits to expression. It is beyond words how frustrated I feel when I 'see' movement in my mind but my body cannot give it the fullest expression it demands. That evening, after the 'conversation', I danced and moved in my flat for about two hours and realised the loss of 'vocabulary' but not necessarily 'language'.

Today, he sent me an article by Rodin describing Balinese dancers and dance. This was my response to him:

I find this article thoroughly enjoyable, surfacing a feeling/ sort of insight
dimly in me since you described your experiencing with xxx...you often speak
of beginner's mind- this also applies to movement- which is my reading of
Rodin's writing...so it loops back to Arawana's work- The Art of Making a True
Move...so it loops back to the only picture I have- of me, in motion (I had no
idea the picture was taken)...and- that evening, after our skype text about
your communion, I moved and danced in my flat for about 2 hours...exploring
relationships between influences of past 'training' and flow and creativity and
form and 'true' or 'authentic' movement- their relationship with source- not
just source- but where is the source/ wellspring in my body and how the 'where'
relates to the 'what' in expression, charge/ discharge, energy, quality...

What I omitted was...and the realisation of loss- how much has been lost through time and premature pruning of green shoots of talent- way, way, back then...so now, I wonder, given what is and where I am now, what remains? What is possible?