TIME

I went to a friend's house last weekend and met their 'korean' friend- actually a polish friend who had worked a lot in Korea. Anyway, it was 12 midnight and their antique clock sounded---'dong, dong, doonnng' twelve times. We commented on how loud the clock was...then their friend, Grzegorz told me a story about a friend of his who knew a master craftsman watchmaker. This old master had access to an ancient book of watchmaking- allegedly, the 'bible' of watchmakers. In this old book of wisdom, it was told that when an old handmade watch stops working, even if you remake all the parts and put them back together again in exactly the same way as before, the watch will not work again if the soul of the watch has died. I thought it was a touching and intriguing story to regard objects as having souls. Somehow my mind went to another story I read a few Christmases ago- it may have been in the Economist. It was about violin makers and how each violin had it's own character and it's own 'voice' because of so many tiny but significant variables in everything and every step that contribute to the birth of a hand-crafted violin. As winter makes it's presence felt, I can feel my own energetic return from without to within. As my outwith attention comes home, I reach for two books on my desk- 'A Hidden Wholeness'- The Journey Toward An Undivided Life by Parker J Palmer and 'Sounds, Feelings, Thoughts' by Wislawa Szymborska. Turning their soft covers, it's like coming home to old friends- and I know, in my heart, I know- it is TIME to give space to my soul.

Seeing the light

I have been holed up at the Radisson Blu Centrum for the past three and a half days co-facilitating a Leadership Development Intensive (LDI). As usual, it is an all-absorbing experiential with days starting at 7.30am to 7pm daily. As rich and rewarding as these experientials are, the intensity means that the day after I am usually tired and spent. Today was no exception. I made a conscious choice a few months ago to cut down on travelling. This has meant more time in Warsaw. People ask me 'how do you like Warsaw?'- well, I am learning to enjoy Warsaw though I am still a long way off having any kind of relationship with this place.

As I stepped out of the hotel at around 13:00 this afternoon, I sensed that the air was sharper than it had been for a while. My feet decided to take a left instead of a right and I found myself walking down Grzybowska towards Warszawa Centralny. I had a vague notion of going to Radio Cafe for lunch. As I walked, I was aware of having a 'sunday feeling'. I saw groups of tourists looking at maps, families in their 'sunday best', tour buses, quiet roads. As I approached a major intersection, I saw that the Ministry of Culture building to my right- closer than I expected. On impluse, I decided to venture down a side road. A cosy little cafe- I could just make out that they were offering cream of brocolli soup as their soup of the day...a restaurant named 'Patagonia' that served Italian food...signpost for a synagogue...a crumbling old building with large photos of jewish families posted on the outside. The derilict building threw me back to pre-war era- dark brown-black brickwork...smashed and boarded-up windows...in warsaw, the past is never far away. Outside a large church, an incongruently small statute of Pope John Paul II and at his feet, a small carpet of bright yellow and red flowers and wreaths...the thunderous scraping of skateboards...the delicate 'ting ting' from a passing bicycle...

my eyes wandered towards the sky and I saw the light- the diffused orange pink glow of winter-light, soft orange sorbet against a bright bronze dome and a soot black cross. This light is so evocative, so unique to this part of the world that when I see it, I always feel like I am in a movie- Dr Zhivago or Anna Karenina. The unmistakeable light of early winter in central eastern europe. How bizzare it is that I am here! How lucky it is that I am here! How surreal!

Talent Development

I was speaking with a colleague at a client site yesterday when the topic of 'Talent Development' came up. My colleague said that in Poland, very few Talent Development schemes are actually effective. I said I have never been that impressed with how many organisations view 'talent' especially when they only focus on 'high potential' fast-trackers or when there is a heavy reliance on IT systems-driven profiling. My beef has always been that in most organisations, we have no idea who we actually have in our team let alone our workforce. It is hard to have quality time and conversations to really connect with the potential person/ being that is yet to emerge- the infinite energy loop of being <-> becoming. Furthermore, I find that workplaces are fundamentally preoccupied with functionality and utility- what is useful is valued. I think that this emphasis tends to push people into emphasising this aspect of their development rather than giving more space for people to simply following what is wanting to emerge. I think the lack of real developmental space has implications for creativity and innovation in the workplace.

In the last few days I have been particularly struck by the hiearchical nature of organisations in Poland. Maybe I have just been very lucky to have worked in places where the hiearchy is not particularly rigidly adhered to. But here, I do believe that where you are in the hiearchy and what job title you have are hugely important. Part of my frustration of owning a consulting firm here is that irrespective of my job title or my achievements, people will always look to John, the older man, as 'the boss'. I have found this to be irritating to downright absurd to feeling very despondent. Why? Because I fundamentally believe in the capability and potential of every person and how each person, in their own way, is capable of extraordinary things. However, for this to happen, each one of us needs to be in an environment where the conditions are supportive to us. The effect of rigid hiearchical thinking is that each person is kept in a box. This can be very efficient and it can also be very limiting. I think in such an environment, people's development become skewed towards learning to 'play the game'. This type of developmental path has it's roots in survival mode. The effect on the organisation is that people become very effective at learning how to sustain and strengthen the established patterns that already exist. This is not Talent Development.

Aside from the structure, people within an organisation also contributes greatly to each other's talent development. In fact, alongside structure, people and how they behave towards one another form the culture within which talent development takes place. Our ability to make space for differences, our willingness to let each other shine, our capacity to appreciate each other's gifts as well as our willingness to contribute to one another's developing edge. Above all, our fundamental believe that talent is not a scarce thing but something that is abundant, plentiful and diverse.

Next time you are in the countryside, look up at the nightsky. The inky sky is vibrant with a million stars. They all shine because they are all stars not because they want to outshine each other. The challenge for those of us who are responsible for creating organisations is: how do we create human systems that can allow all of us to shine more brightly?

Bylam<->Jestem<->Bede

It snowed all day yesterday- everyone said it was unusual for this time of the year- not even November. I was struck by a sense of nostalgia. For some reason, the way it was snowing took me back to when I first arrived in Poland in 2010- or was it 2009? I was in Krakow then and I remember being struck by the black and white landscape- black railings of the Planty, black leafless trees, white snow, white rooftops- the smell of coal in the air- black smoke coming out of chimneys. Trams, renaissance stoneswork, cobblestoned alleyways- getting completely lost and disoriented- always somehow winding back on myself and finding myself in pretty much the same spot after a lot of walking round and round. And today, in Warsaw. What a difference! Streaming traffic, wide roads and angular structures- concrete, concrete and soviet past somehow embedded in the buildings, roads and the feel of the place. Then suddenly, I was struck by how familiar I felt to being in Toronto- the same flatness of landscape, of satellite settlements with no apparent character. Life in cold climes reduced to mostly hopping from one indoor setting to another. Odd. Oddly familiar. I looked at myself in the mirror and reflected on how time has passed so quickly. And I have been commuting from Krakow to Warsaw to the UK for at least two years- very intensely in the last year. Have I aged? How have I changed? I found myself unable to connect with the present me as I am filled with schedules, meetings, plans, articles yet to be written, workshops and flight bookings. It seems the pendulum has swung to the other side- away from the artistic side to the productive side. I fear the pendulum might get stuck and never swing back again. Though I am 'doing well' in many respects, I have a persistent, gnawing fear that this phase of productivity will drive out my creativity- that I will be condemned to being a little mouse on a little wheel. When I wrote the title, I wasn't sure whether to put anything after 'Bede' and if i were to put a sign, would it be < or >? If I had a choice, which I actually do, how would I swing the pendulum? Is Bede < or >?

Love and light

I have always been grateful to the universe for granting me life and for my life to have been graced by the presence of many amazing people. Recently, I learnt that a good friend has been sentenced to a long prison term. Just as I was trying to come to terms with this piece of news and wondering and hoping that he would be 'ok', I received the most amazing email from him. It was titled 'I love you'. I had his agreement to share his words with you through my blog. I have cut out the more person-specific content.

'Im going to continue looking at this as a mission that I have chosen to undertake, to work with people in places that need it the most. There is of course much work to do for us all for the world to move up a level in consciousness, which is so needed at this time. So it's time for me to be strong, take care of the internal process and continue helping others with their feelings, their cases and the lives, so often messed up and completely unaware of anything other than this reality. Mum has been here for the Summer and has been truly amazing in her support and wisdom, we really are helping each other see the bigger picture in our conversations and meditations.


I know and realise that we are all travelling through eternity, through many lives, slowly evolving and learning, returning back and forth to the source, the great intelligence. We are consciousness expressing itself and dancing through all matter, we have an oppurtunity to enjoy the great drama of this universe, if we'll only stay awake long enough to realise ourselves and who we truly are.

So my lovely friends, Im dealing with the emotions of it all at the moment and am just so thankful of your letters, your support and your love. You are all in my heart constantly, every message to myself or through Mum make a big difference when I hear your names mentioned or what your up to in the world. I will forever be part of our tribe and our community and hope that you can find a place for me when I eventually return, which I promise I will...

Sending you love and light...'

So of all the people in the world, this is someone who has been condemned to the best of his life behind bars. Of all the people in the world, he is someone who has all the reasons in the world to give up- give up hope, give up on himself. But he has chosen, for now, to still make something of his life and to choose not to see his life as confined but limitless. Words like retribution have their place- we must accept the consequences of our actions but beyond that, what else is there? What of redemption? To me, beyond having courage to confess and pay for our sins it takes even more courage to go further and reach for meaning, to salvage what remains in our souls and let that be our light that carries us to salvation.

'...the infinite subjective dark space of our being is the source of infinite imagination and creativity' Anthony Gormley, sculpter- Ted Talks, 'Sculpted space, within and without', June 2012.

A poem sent to me by Jeni on All Saints Day:

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.
               
                               

                               
(Max Ehrmann, 1872-1945)
               
                                                                                               
                               
This is the day we are given;
               
Let us rejoice and be glad in it.
               

Food

Weight- like so many things in life, creeps up on you. I was looking at photos of me a year ago, two years ago, three years ago and wondered how I had put on weight. Very gradually, imperceptibly, tiny tiny additions…then before I know it- BAM! Many Kgs more than I realised. There is a saying that ‘life is lived forwards and understood backwards’- if you know the source of this, please let me know! So I have been reflecting on my relationship with food. It is deep and far. In chinese culture, or, at least, my family’s chinese culture, food is the source of communion with each other. Relationships are built around meals. Birthdays, celebrations, marriages, deaths- all centred round what we will eat together. In fact, what I have just written ‘centred, round…’ sums it all up. At the core is what the meal represented- it has always been a means to connecting with family. Now, with family somewhat scattered- aunts and uncles becoming grandparents, immediate family scattered across continents- food has become a surrogate for ‘specialness’- for me, it has become a substitute for lots of things. Realising this, I have, over the last few months, become more aware of why I eat, when I eat and how I eat. It was shocking to me how my eating patterns reveal so much about my state of mental well-being. For instance, I became aware of how my eating was disconnected with how I actually felt- i.e. the feeling of hunger/ no feeling of hunger. I was shocked at how much I ate ‘for love’- to be sociable or for the sake of others and how much I ate even when I was not hungry. For example, tonight, I had a main meal when I was not hungry at all. Had I not been in the company of others, I may not have eaten at all. Interesting. Recently, I started to notice how thin people eat- well, they don’t- or, very little. I noticed how they are very slow in eating their food, how they are quite fussy about what they eat, how they never seem to be able to finish their food on the plate and how s---l----o……..wl-----------………………..y they ate. The only times when I lost a lot of weight were times when I was extremely unhappy- when I physically felt that nothing was wanted and nothing was absorbed. Interesting. I also noticed how, when I was unhappy, but not extremely so, I ate more than I physically needed. Interesting. God knows I need to change the relationship I have with food. But how? How will this happen in a way that comes from within? How will I coach myself in reframing a more balanced relationship between me and food- perhaps more to the point- how and when will I stop using food and really start to eat? Looking at me from a Gestalt perspective, I am wondering whether I have a problem with ingestion, digestion and assimilation. Hmmm, food for thought!

Easter Sunday 2012

\Poetry_In-Motion/

Fluid, unending, tactile, flow http://vimeo.com/18838343

Care

I took the liberty of giving myself a few days off to recuperate and regain a sense of balance. For a while- perhaps a few months or more, I have been feeling very tired and a general sense of 'not right'-ness. Since I was working abroad, I called my GP surgery in the UK ahead of time and booked myself an appointment a week ahead- it was the first available appointment date. Anyhow, I was having some anxieties around various parts of my body's not rightness, not least of which were fears around breast cancer, cervical cancer or ovarian cancer. I was reassured on the phone that it would be ok 'just turn up' to the appointment. Yesterday, I showed up- wanting to be checked over. I was reassured that my breasts were ok but when I proceeded to ask about my other concerns, the doctor stopped me and said 'sorry, there is no time today...we only have 10 minutes per patient. You will have to make another appointment for another day. Sorry- it's the way it is.' I tried to explain that I work abroad a lot and that I had come back to the UK specially for the appointment. No- the answer was an emphatic 'No, sorry- nothing I can do.' So I was sent packing. And now I have to wait another 3 weeks before I have to go back again and this time, making two separate appointments so that I can have my concerns listened to- not dealth with- but for someone to give me their time, attention and expertise.

As I reflected on this incident, the word 'care' came strongly to mind. Care-Full <-> Care-Less. Thinking a little more, I decided that it was not so much care-less- it's really a question of caring for what? Caring for whom? Caring in what way- how do we show that we care?

In my mind, I make a connection between the care-lessness with the atomisation of our existence. As we become ever more process-driven our humanity seems to have been subjugated to The Process or The System. It is a frightening thought that we no longer seem able to change The Process or The System- we merely operate within it. We seem to have lost our power to say 'No' or 'Stop'. It was stunning to me that a doctor was powerless to take more time with someone whose very needs they are there to address- patients define doctors. But no, doctors seem to be defined by waiting times and time slots. It is a sad state of affairs.

My attention turned to people I know, friends, family, loved ones, myself- who really cares? What do they care about? Who do they really give a shit about? How do they show they care? What really matters? Who really matters to us? What really matters to me? Who really matter to me? How do I show them that I care?

Rambling matters

I have been reading Peter Block’s book ‘The Answer to How is Yes- Acting on What Matters’. In the last ten or so years, I’ve been reading and enjoying academic- type text books. As a result, I’ve had a very low tolerance for self-help books or ‘airport’ books. Whether it is pure coincidence or whether I was unconsciously moved by my present situation to reach for this book- Peter’s writing has surprised me.

In the last few months I have been heavily involved in a large post merger integration project. Having turned away from this type of project for some time, this time round, I am aware of coming to it from a different place. This time round, I have found the moral complexity of such projects much harder to grock. Way ‘back there’ when I was immersed within the corporate world, I dedicated myself to the success of ‘the business’ without hesitation. Even though way back then, I was totally aware of 'business'/ 'markets'/ shareholder value etc., I hadn’t quite ‘seen’ the realities of it, what it’s really like. This time round, as someone from the 'outside' I am struck by how much clearer I see the moral and ethical complexities. Deals like this one could be seen in many different ways: a handful of people making a lot of money for themselves; Shareholders/ investors being very happy with the 'performance' of the firm; a ‘eat or be eaten’ marketplace where acquisition is a way of surviving; a system morphing and changing it’s shape and form; natural dynamics of contraction and expansion; culture clashes etc. What I have found particularly difficult is to stand up for the value of people when everything that is happening seems to run contrary to this.

In the melie of structural integration and a drive for speed on return on investment through rapid realisation of cost synergies, it is hard to attract attention on the issue of value- in particular, that human value cannot be mandated, that value is created over time, that value is not just held by individuals but is developed within a social and cultural field and that real breakthroughs can only come about when we have time and space to make the ‘right’ decisions that not only make sense but they sit right with us morally and ethically. In this context, value is intricably tied up with knowing what matters to us as people who matter and to take action based on what we know to be true. What I am struggling with most is the feeling that at the highest level of organisations- often described as the ‘strategic level’ of an organisation, people become more relative and more complex- I often find it difficult to get a solid sense of what is ‘true’- that there are many layers of ‘truth’ and that there is always something cooking in the background that cannot be shared. In the company of people who operate on a ‘it depends’ basis, I feel like I am in a hall of mirrors. In a transactional environment, it is very difficult to do the kind of work that is about people- not people as names and numbers but people as people- with lives, feelings and infinite creativity- without being regarded as ‘soft’ or ‘touchy feeley’. In this world of numbers and processes, work that does not lend itself to KPIs or targets seems utterly irrelevant. Everyone says it's important but does it matter? Do we matter? Of course, the loudest critic is me and the person to convince that what matters to me has value beyond the conventional organisational KPIs and targets is also me. It has taken Peter’s book to remind me of the importance of knowing what is important for me and to be more intentional and conscious in making a commitment to that which matters to me.

Another theme that has struck a chord with me is the subject/ object aspect of our existence. Peter argues (and I agree with him) that in our transactional world, we have been swept into the default culture of objectifying ourselves and each other as we allow ourselves to be treated as consumers rather than citizens, authors and artists of our lives, our communities and our society. The consumerisation of people is so insidious that we are mostly unaware of how much we have turned into steps in a process. We consume and are in turn consumed by a process-driven society. With this renewed awareness of citizenship, my mind turns to my epic journey in Poland in trying to set up a foreign legal entity here. It has tested my patience until I had no choice but to give into the process taking it's course.

It has taken three months in the making and today, finally, everything seems to be in place. We have arrived. The enormity of the epic journey would have completely passed me by had I not been asked by a local bank to hand them a variety of documents. In their infinite helpfulness, our accountants put together a large folder of documents for us to take to the bank. Yet none of this would have really registered with me had I not opened this folder and read it’s contents. Then it dawned on me. That this folder was a physical testiment of the huge amount of human effort it took from an idea in my mind to the actuality of a legal entity being officially registered and recognised by the polish courts. At a minimum, it took: Two trips from Poland to the UK, my accountant in the UK, accountants in Poland, Solicitor in Poland, Sworn Translators, Notaries, clerks, Court officials, banking staff, bank manager, courier in the UK, agents at the FCO, postal service staff and taxi drivers to make this whole thing come together. I read with renewed fascination at the sworn translations- that someone had faithfully translated official documents so that they can be verified. I was deeply touched as I realised that every page was touched by helping hands that made it possible for us to be here to do what we were here to do. The question is, why am I Here?

Winter's farewell

Somebody <-> Nobody

It's been a while finding the inspiration and time to blog. So it's been building, the on/off need to write and now, here it is. Today, I have been stunned by the somebody <-> nobody dilemma- I really don't know where I stand. For a while in my life, I was somebody with a job title, a role, a wife, a wanna-be mother, a daughter etc. then it seemed like everything dropped away- piece by piece. First of all, the corporate job, then the shattered dreams of being able to have children, then the shattering of 'family' as I knew it- so gradually, piece by piece, I became a nobody. Then, almost out of the blue, I decided to go ahead and present on my own at the IODA conference in Budapest and then one thing after another, I persuaded myself that maybe there is still something left to be done in the corporate world- in my version of what happened, my story is that 'corporate work isn't done with me yet'. On that basis, I re-emerged from the world of being on the fringes to re-engage with the consulting world once more. In doing so, I became somebody again. But now and again, I wonder to myself, is this all an illusion? It was the anniversary of my mother's passing on the 13th, yesterday, and it is now officially five years since she died. Five years. FIVE years. Still feels like three. Reflecting on her life, she was utterly normal and ordinary and she was perfectly happy. Speaking with my dad yesterday, he said he was grateful for truely happy years he had with mum. Curling back on my somebodiness now, am I happier by being a somebody? Maybe I am totally deluded. I think that the truth is that I am a somebody by being in a foreign land where there is a hunger for people who have something to offer. I think there is a price being a somebody. That price is a sense of responsibility and a sense of reponsibility limits the space and freedom I had when I was a nobody. I read somewhere recently 'stop asking what life has to offer you. Start asking what you have to offer life'- somehow that struck a cord- it tapped into my sense of responsibility to give myself to whatever need is 'out there'- but what of the 'need in here'?