Sunday 28 October 2012

Bylam<->Jestem<->Bede

It snowed all day yesterday- everyone said it was unusual for this time of the year- not even November. I was struck by a sense of nostalgia. For some reason, the way it was snowing took me back to when I first arrived in Poland in 2010- or was it 2009? I was in Krakow then and I remember being struck by the black and white landscape- black railings of the Planty, black leafless trees, white snow, white rooftops- the smell of coal in the air- black smoke coming out of chimneys. Trams, renaissance stoneswork, cobblestoned alleyways- getting completely lost and disoriented- always somehow winding back on myself and finding myself in pretty much the same spot after a lot of walking round and round. And today, in Warsaw. What a difference! Streaming traffic, wide roads and angular structures- concrete, concrete and soviet past somehow embedded in the buildings, roads and the feel of the place. Then suddenly, I was struck by how familiar I felt to being in Toronto- the same flatness of landscape, of satellite settlements with no apparent character. Life in cold climes reduced to mostly hopping from one indoor setting to another. Odd. Oddly familiar. I looked at myself in the mirror and reflected on how time has passed so quickly. And I have been commuting from Krakow to Warsaw to the UK for at least two years- very intensely in the last year. Have I aged? How have I changed? I found myself unable to connect with the present me as I am filled with schedules, meetings, plans, articles yet to be written, workshops and flight bookings. It seems the pendulum has swung to the other side- away from the artistic side to the productive side. I fear the pendulum might get stuck and never swing back again. Though I am 'doing well' in many respects, I have a persistent, gnawing fear that this phase of productivity will drive out my creativity- that I will be condemned to being a little mouse on a little wheel. When I wrote the title, I wasn't sure whether to put anything after 'Bede' and if i were to put a sign, would it be < or >? If I had a choice, which I actually do, how would I swing the pendulum? Is Bede < or >?