Gunnen

On the last night of the OD World Summit in Budapest, I was sitting with Stef and Shirine and, in the course of our conversation about relationships, Stef used the Dutch word 'gunnen' which he did not have a translation for. Shirine came out with this explanation: When you give space to someone because they deserve it...they have earnt it. The english translation on the web is 'not begrudge, not envy'. I thought it is interesting how the english translation is in the negative ie in the 'not'. Such is the knot of language, relationships and meaning-making. I wonder whether 'gunnen' is the same as 'given freely without expectations' or 'given unconditionally'. When I love someone, I often find myself wanting to grab hold of them, to protect them, to not want to let them go, to spend all my time with them etc. Of late, I am waking up to 'gunnen'- that loving someone is also about letting them go and do their thing- even if it means, ultimately, they go off to do whatever is most 'right' for them at this point in their journey. In buddhism, compassion or loving-kindness is often used instead of the word 'love' such that there is a differentiation between love without attachments and love which is more attached to people, places and things. Perhaps effective relating is about knowing when attachment is unhelpful to the grow and natural flow of the other and, being aware of this, to be able to exercise gunnen.

Madness

Ok, so here's the scoop. Life is mad but if we go with the flow our life, it's a blast!

Field of Souls

Walking the fields as morning stirs
I see tiny tiny glistening gem drops.
The hand of God overnight
Scattering handfuls of glitter
Softly dusting lush carpets of green and brown.
The light from these jewels
Lighting up my soul.
For as long as they return
So men have a chance
To see their own souls
Reflected in one hundred thousand bright jewels
Shining in the sun.

Gratitude

How amazing to be in Budapest. Last time I was here was 5-6 years ago- different time, different space, different place. The air quality tonight is amazing- everything pin sharp against dark clear sky, graced by the presence of a full moon. How amazing to have spent the last few hours with Ray, someone I met at Nova Scotia a few years back; how amazing to have met Christina again- she was at the Open Space event here last time I was in Budapest- she has just returned from five years away from here- her home. So I have a sense of 'returning' and in that place of 'returning' also a sense of opening and something new. Interestingly, Ray is not the Ray I remember- in Ray I feel strongly a sense of movement and I am reminded of the currents and flow of life. I didn't recognise Ray at first and it wasn't until we spoke for a bit that I started to realise that I had met him before. I approached Ray with a question which rose up in me as I stared into the blue-black wash of the boat, glimpses of silver-grey dancing and tumbling under the bright full moon, surrounded by beautiful, historic, majestic buildings- I asked him 'do we choose the life we lead or do we simply live a life that is presented to us?' I am still pondering this question as I type into existence, whispers of thoughts that drift, like smoke, in and out of my mind. I was also with the feeling of deep gratitude- for the clients, family, friends, teachers and colleagues past and present- who have brought me to this point, now.

Power

It's been sometime since I last looked at Rothko and Reinhardt. I sat with them again a few days ago and the power and energy conveyed through their art remain as strong as ever. When I sit with these two works, projected onto a large screen, their power to consume me is so great that I have to consciously stand my ground to declare my aliveness. I find their pull magnetic.

Not many things in the world can have this effect.

Fusion

Amy Barnes-Leung, 12th August 2010. Watercolour on paper.

A fusion of experiences from the Adirondacks in the USA, a beautiful reserve near South Moreton, Oxfordshire, the Thames, Windsor Great Park and Hamstead Marshall, West Berkshire.

Genius

Photograph taken by Rosie aged 6 on 4th August 2010.

Tony Judt

I read in the Observer today that Tony Judt, historian, teacher, writer- died after a two-year struggle with motor neuron disease. He struck me as incredibly clear and unsentiment in his writings. What particularly struck me in this article was:

'In an email correspondence published in the July edition of Prospect magazine, Judt discussed how, lying awake at night trapped in his body, he would review his life and prepare for dictating a series of highly personal essays published in the NYRB shortly before he died.

The process was cathartic, he said. "I don't think I enjoyed living as much as I should have done – too busy thinking about it all the time. So now I am enjoying thinking about it (which is a different sort of thinking) and getting as close to enjoying it in the moment as retrieved memory will permit."'

And-

'On dying: The meaning of our life ... is only incorporated in the way other people feel about us. Once I die, my life will acquire meaning in the way they see whatever it is I did, for them, for the world, the people I've known. New York magazine, 7 March'

For fuller articles about this incredible man, please go to:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/aug/07/historian-tony-judt-dies

Hughie O'Donoghue- Night Swimming

From http://www.jameshymangallery.com/pages/artistsingle/5816/paintings/hughie_o%27donoghue-night_swimming.html

The last 48 hours

In the last 48 hours I have been treated to a consistent message from three different sources of light: Perls, Ram Dass, Len, Anna, Lama Lhanag, Ani Pema, Venerable Miao Lin:

We only have this moment- what is present in the here and now. To be alive is a gift/ a miracle.

With gratitude to Dan

From my friend Dan whom, by the grace of god I met at a bbq recently. He is such a gift. This is a piece of writing from him.

"People"

When i look at you i know you suffer to i know behind the mask
so much sorrow has passed, yet when one of you smiles at me
my heart babbles with joy, even though you are at a distance
i know through innterconnectedness we are as close as twins
what if war broke out and we found ourselfs on opposite sides
I couldnt could you? I have always found myself by tasting the
salt from your tears and touching the tenderness of your hearts,
Life is so short so fragile and its hard to say i love you through
death lips so i'll keep saying it whilst im alive to keep the door of
compassion my heart open, Are you like me does your happiness
sometimes give way to the spirit of lonliness if it does you will know
like me how important you all are, If hell exsists it would be a place
far from you and for heaven i see that all in you i see it in the childrens
play i see it in the kisses of lovers i hear it from the morning birds
and i feel it when i see you in joy, I love myself because i love you
all the people of my true family. "Om mani padme hum"
I sought my soul and i could not see!
I sought my god and he eluded me!
I sought my brother and found all three.

Metta dan

Karina

I was working on-site today and I wore a bracelet that belonged to my mother. Not long after I arrived on-site, Karina saw my bracelet and said 'Oh, rose quartz- opening heart chakra, open heart, compassion, unconditional love....hmmm-your rose quartz is dead, you should bury it- the energy has been spent...' I was really shocked. She explained that the rose quartz should be pink and when it goes white, it is dying/ dead. She said 'you see, the stones on your bracelet are white- it means that the unconditional love, the energy has been spent- all gone. You should bury it in the ground so that it can re-energise itself.' I was stunned because it belonged to my mum- who is dead. I was stunned because I hadn't noticed the whiteness before. I was stunned because I didn't know that even though it's a stone, it is still alive and still giving. I was also stunned because my own energy of unconditional love and compassion also feels spent and, her advise of burying it, of returning it to it's source so that the stones can regather it's energy from the earth is deeply meaningful and it is so resonant with what I need to do now. I am grateful for Karina for sharing with me her insight and I will take heed of the message that has been sent to me from the universal energetic field. Thank you.

A remarkable person

From a Gestalt day

It's my birthday today. I spent it with a Gestalt group. This is a gift from David Bamber today- what you can't hear you can't speak.

Vectors

Darkness to darkness
Darkness to light
Light to darkness
Light to light.

Wants and needs

I was reflecting this morning on 'change' and my own path in deepening my understanding of facilitating change. It struck me how, in working with clients, that often I am provided with what the client wants rather than what they need. This happens with some frequency in psychotherapy whereby clients want to get away from their presenting situation and they want to 'get better'. Often, they want someone to magic away their problems or to give them some formulation they can enact and then voila- sorted. I often find it tempting to provide solutions- particularly when I am in a time-limited relationship. However, what therapeutic work has taught me is that what clients want may not be what they need. Often, we are so embedded in our patterns that we simply cannot see how we act in repeatedly self-defeating ways. Even when we are aware of these patterns, we sometimes struggle to create new ways of acting and being. The therapeutic world is not different from the organisational world- for me, I am finding that my therapeutic experiences inform and ground my organisational work. Yesterday I was in a meeting with a couple of senior managers and their issue was with a member of staff whom they have struggled with for a longish period of time. Through our conversation, some of their habitual patterns of relating became more evident. Even though one of the senior managers managed to catch herself in mid-flow twice and pointed out to herself (and us) how she was, once again, thinking and envisioning acting in exactly the same way as she always did- she struggled with being able to come up with alternatives. I had to stop myself in the moment from wanting to provide answers because that would have repeated their habitual dynamics of the three roles of attacker, victim and rescuer. This was/ is change in action. I also reflected on how our change in action was made possible by the longevity of our relationships and how, over time, with the help of trust, we were able to do what we did yesterday. I further reflected on how often in the past, particularly at the beginning, I delivered what they wanted rather than what they needed. I confess at least 50% of the time I was drawn into doing what they wanted. However, I am thinking now, without that compromise at the beginning, would we have got to where we got to yesterday?

Acknowledging interdependencies

I was going to write about 'transformation' when suddenly it seemed more figural to jot down my thoughts about interdependencies. What triggered that thought was looking at the picture of my hands with paint and realising that the action captured in that moment in time would not have been possible had it not been for the presence of Andrew James Campbell- afterall, he was the one who took the photo and he was the one who was pivotal in tipping me back into a creative space- in particular, my reconnection with painting. And when I acknowledge him, I am also acknowledging all those who are supporting, have supported, inputed and influenced his life. Without being egotistical, I wish also to acknowledge my own willingness in this venture and all those who supports, have supported, inputed and influenced my life. As I write this down, I am reminded of Capra's book title- 'The Web of Life'.

Guts

Lately I have been thinking a lot about artists- there is something about artists and the 'fraternity' which is unlike any other groups I have come to know. I am not speaking from an expert viewpoint nor am I speaking as an artist per se. I am speaking from a place of, as Andrew James Campbell is fond of saying 'slipping glimpses'- so it is through the very limited encounters I've had with artists, that there is a reason for the fraternity- a 'sticking together'. My sense is, in real artists, each person puts so much of themselves- of their guts- in their art. Every authentic artist knows this- so it is not surprising that I feel they have a propensity to 'close ranks'. This is unlike any other profession I have come across. Not only do they put their guts/ dirty laundry/ emotion/ psychological being in their art, a lot of them is courageous enough to put themselves in an exhibition- for all to see, to scrutinise, to pass judgement, to meet subjectively. In my view, that takes a lot of guts to do so; a lot of self-believe. I met with an artist, Tom, who recently told me that at the age of 55, he decided to follow his vocation as an artist- starting from scratch. Prior to his life as an artist, he had been in television and producing tv shows. Anyhow, I remember him saying 'never apologise for your art' and that has stayed with me. In particular, the sheer amount of commitment and belief in what you do. In that place, it is the process that counts, not other people's judgement. So that's where I've been- reflecting on my own actions, guts and self-belief. I am also aware of my lack of 'fraternity' and how nice it would be that sometimes, it is nice to have people on your side, to 'close ranks'. So I look at this fraternity and I am suddenly aware of probably never being admitted to this 'club'.

Creativity and life

I was pointed to a Radio 4 programme on Creativity a few days ago by Andrew James Campbell. I missed the original programme but managed to catch up on it a few days later. A phrase used in the programme really resonated with me- something along the lines of:

What we all have in common is that our lives are finite and we never know the full meaning of our lives while we live it.

This sentence brings to mind my mum who always said to me rather wistfully, that she lived a very stable and uneventful life. To this day I do not know how she really felt about her life. I don't think she ever realised the meaning of her life and centrality of her role- nor did we. It wasn't until she died- for a year or more afterwards, my dad used to be confronted by all sorts of people in shops and restaurants who would approach him to ask after her- she impacted many people's lives by her warmth and caring attitude. I remember vividly that the week she passed away, we were sitting in a restaurant making funeral arrangements and a woman who was serving us was so upset she could not speak to us. Dad told me that when she first arrived from China my mum used to speak to her in her dialect and gave her a lot of help in relation to her welfare in Toronto. This proved to be very painful for my dad who was constantly reminded of her absence when all he wanted to do was to get over her death. The whole extended family also disintegrated within the year in her absence- there was no-one to hold everyone together- it was her holding and her love that enabled everyone to transcend their differences to find a place of accommodation and unity.

I see her smiley photo now and remind myself that a lovely, beautiful person has been reduced ashes that she never really knew and will never know the true value of her existence.

Falling

I went for a run on Sunday. While running downhill I became aware of the strain on my knees and wondered what whether it would be more or less straining if I were to lean forward. I shifted my weight forward such that I felt more running into the downward slope rather than 'against it' ie leaning back. This proved much easier and less straining. I made a connection with skiing and how, on very steep slopes- I am thinking of La Face at Val d'sere where the pitch is quite serious and where it is more often than not, icy- deserving of a 'black' run...how it was counter-intuitive to lean into the fall-line and how it was counter-productive to be leaning back- it is a paradox- if you lean into the fall-line, you have more control over your skis and your speed; conversely, because one is scared, the tendency to lean backwwards as a natural reaction to fear of falling...so it is very interesting to me that to lean into falling is less straining, more efficient and effective than trying to 'get away' from falling. So I wonder whether when something is coming to an end, 'letting go' is really about falling into the end- allowing oneself to be immersed in the ending rather than the urge/ natural inclination to hang-on to the past or resisting what in essence, is a natural phenomenon- part of a cycle of
birth <-> death. This in turn raises the question of sustainability and how it is now very fashionable to use the word 'sustainability'. Does nature seek to preserve itself? Does nature seek to prolong it's own life? I think not. It seems to me that nature does not attempt to overcome/ overpower/ control nature itself.

Void

It is shocking to me that my last entry was July 2009. Much has happened in the intervening months. It seems impossible that I have been and I am still going through such restructuring in my life- yet this is where I am. In Gestalt, there is a phrase called 'creative void', 'fertile void' or 'zero point'. In Presencing Institute's Theory U model, it is the bottom of the U process- the 'Letting Go'/ 'Letting Come' point. Reading about such moments and experiencing such moments are somewhat different. I am experiencing both zero point of void- where much of what has been seems to have been obliterated and where the ground is, for now, totally unstable. At the same time, I am also faced with a series of 'letting go'- being reflective for a moment, I feel that there are many levels of letting go with life itself being the ultimate letting go. So this is praxis. What of 'creative adjustments' themselves? What of 'creativity' itself. Theoretically, creativity SHOULD be at it's most fertile- it is not my experience right now. I intend to take myself into solitary retreat over the next few days- I wonder what, if any answers will emerge.