Wood for the Trees

It's been going on for as long as I have been in Poland and working alongside John. No matter how good I think I am or how much I am pulling my weight as an equal partner- sometimes more than my fair share- it is John who gets the recognition. On and off it's really bothered and annoyed me to varying degrees of severity. I have no idea where it came from- my ego-centric need to be acknowledged or recognised. Believe me, I have been really ashamed of myself and- confused. If I go back a few more years, I had gone very much beyond the egotistical need to be centre-stage- none more so than in therapeutic work where this type of 'look at me' thing just gets in the way of being and working well with clients. Lately, I have been so fed up with my reactions and my apparent 'small mindedness' that I have spent some time examining and looking at just what and why this lack of recognition bothers me so much. I realised that with me, it's not just a lack of recognition per se- it is the lack of recognition in-line with my contribution and value. Sitting in the heart of this is a value of something like 'parity', 'fairness' and---? equality? When there is fair recognition for me, for my colleagues- when I and others are truly seen for who we are and how we have made a contribution- I feel deeply satisfied and very happy. These instance do happen but not as often as they could.

Then John suggested that maybe it is something I am doing or not doing that contributes towards this phenomena. Well, this took me down a very long and windy path of self interrogation and fear- perhaps there is something fundamentally very wrong with me that stops other people from appreciating me? For sure I can be too direct and sometimes hard and too challenging- putting me in the 'tough bitch' or 'iron lady' category...I was filled with doubt and began to feel bad about myself. Then it dawned on me that first and foremost, I need to respect and value myself. And I know for sure I don't do this enough. I am super-critical and demanding of myself. What does self-respect look like? For me, this means that if something is energy-sinking and spiritually deadening, I want to distance myself from that. This also means not wasting myself, my attention and my energy on things that are not life-giving. Instead, turn my attention to things and people that are energy-giving, spiritually nourishing and psychologically nurturing. I realised that this involves changing some deep patterns from very early days- from family and Asian cultures of 'what's bad is actually good for you'. No, what I am discovering is that what's bad is bad for me!

While examining the whats and whys of recognition, I also realised that I am so easily convinced by people around me and my 'field conditions' to pay attention to things that really are not that important. This is so difficult as I am habitually a little too open to others- to the extent that I become confluent or adopt their emotional states often without me realising it is happening. I came to the realisation that I really need to 'take care of my boarders'. This involves reminding myself of what's important to me (they are often intrinsic things), focus on the things and people who really matter and to 'let go' and switch attention- towards activities that give me joy and away from things that disturb my energies. These activities include painting exercises which have a meditative effect, meditating, listening to beautiful music, listening to Buddhist chants and teachings and walking or being in nature. The most important insight I have gained in this whole process is that if I don't do these things and make changes, I will lose myself and get lost in pursuing things that appear to be important but are actually meaning-less. We teach others the real meaning of 'humble' --- being grounded.