Death and rebirth

Some things have to be experienced for us to know what it really feels like and what it means. Some years back, a Gestalt guy said that 'we are all mirrors for each other'. I sort of understood it on an intellectual level but at the same time, I also found it a bit mysterious. Years later, through the personal development work I have been doing with others and on myself, I now really get the power of my projections onto people and things---I see through the lense of a world that is my construct, use language to describe what is going on 'out there' but my ability to 'see' is determined by my construct and my ability to challenge and let go of restricted ways of how things 'are'. In so far as I love or hate aspects of the other, they are reflections of the love or hate their behaviour or presence is bringing up in me---therefore I now really get what the Gestalt guy meant.

The same can be said for 'letting your old self die'. This and similar phrases are often used in personal development/ spiritual development circles. Again, not difficult to understand from a cognitive perspective yet I was mystified as to what the process actually meant. Last Friday, I felt strongly in myself that my old self was dying. I did not know where the message came from or what my 'knowing' was about- only that I had this feeling. That evening, I had really bad flu and was subsequently 'taken out' by 10 days. This period included a bout of delirium, streaming everything, coughing, full of mucus, drinking tons of water and total loss of appetite. It required a total letting go- I had no mindspace for anything but to simply focus on self-care and allowing nature to take her course. It became clear to me that all this was in aid of a re-emergence in March. In this period, I also had clarity and connected with the strength to put to an end relationships and situations that do not serve me anymore- an important aspect is putting an end to my tendency to put myself in relationships and situations where I override my instinct.

I am now in a different phase of this illness---fever, streaming nose and coughs have subsided. My ear infection is still there and although deep inside, I already feel a growing sense of wellness but there is a muffleness and foggy gap between me and the outside world. My take on this is to continue to focus inwards and to use this opportunity to hear myself. If I view this death and rebirth process as a U, right now, I feel I am at the bottom of the U starting a slow climb up. Like seeds germinating and unfolding in the soil moving towards the opening light.